Read time: 7 minutes.

Submissive men can often get the short end of the stick in the dating world. I have this conversation with some, sweet subby almost weekly now. Single subbies will often ask me: When should I talk about being kinky with potential partners? Should I come out as kinky first, then submissive? Should I even come out at all?

It’s a heartbreaking reality that is unique to submissive men right now. A woman trying to date people often doesn’t feel the threat of rejection for being submissive or kinky - hell, it might even be considered a bonus to those who date her. So why is it so different for men?

I think the answer truly lies in the way that we continue to see gender roles. I hear women fortifying these stereotypes all the time! I’ve even known many Pro Dommes who have openly stated they would never consider dating a submissive man in their personal lives. To each their own, of course, but this is where I’ve got to throw in my two cents.

My life partner is a submissive. He is my soulmate, my absolute favourite person in the world. The connection that I have with him is far beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before and truly something I thought was purely fictional. We had an instant, intense, surreal click with each other from the time we first met and we immediately knew that we were meant to be together so, yeah, I might be a bit biased when we talk about dating submissive men. More about my lifestyle experience here.

I see so many missed opportunities for women looking for high quality partners. There are definitely some misconceptions that I’d like to clarify, from my perspective and some tips for submissive men looking to date while also being true to themselves.

#1: Submissive Men Aren’t Necessarily Feminine

This is a tough one for some people to wrap their heads around and, I’ll be honest, I’ve thought this as well when I first got into FemDom. There is this conflation of dominance with masculinity and submission with femininity. It’s pervasive and toxic to all of us. 

As a feminine, dominant lady, I wasted years of my life in vanilla world feeling bossy and out of place. I thought I was gay for a while. Now I understand that I’m simply feminine AND sexually dominant. Yes, it’s a weird combination but that’s who I am and that’s why I couldn’t fit into vanilla world before. 

Same goes for submissive, masculine men, yeah it’s a bit more rare of a combination but it’s great! What are we going to do? All be exactly the same? All men are sexually dominant and masculine and all women are feminine and sexually submissive? Hell no. Life is fun and full of unique people with surprising trait combinations. It’s not something to avoid and repress, it’s cause for celebration! 

#2: There is SUCH Strength in Surrender

This idea that submission is weakness just couldn’t be any further from the truth. As a person who dominates professionally and in my personal life, I can honestly say, I have the easier role a lot of the time. Being able to surrender psychologically and physically takes a lot of confidence and vulnerability and it’s truly sexy as hell! 

This idea that it's weak should be tested out in-person by anyone holding that view. There are so many ‘manly men’ who could never even dream of achieving the goals of some of the male subbies I see. It takes awareness, introspection, trust, communication and sometimes balls of steel to do some of these scenes. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it’s certainly not weak.

#3: Submissive Men Are Often Dominant in Real Life

I often hear women talking about not being able to respect a submissive man and this misconception always has me champing at the bit to correct them. Not all, but most, people who identify as submissive or hold many submissive sexual fantasies are often seeking psychological reprieve from a day-to-day life where they are successful, in control and - you guessed it - dominant! It’s one of those stereotypes that kind of holds true. The CEO going to a Dominatrix to let go - it’s kind of on point. 

Many people don’t want to date a person (of any gender) who doesn’t have their shit together, that I totally understand. What I don’t understand is the constant conflation of someones fantasies with who they are in their regular life. Think about your fantasies! What do they say about you? Probably not much! Not only does it not generally relate to your real life, if we were to guess a connection, the correlation would scue in the opposite direction. Submissive men and women tend to be more controlling, in-charge types in their real lives as well.

#4: Kink Isn’t 24/7 (generally)

This leads nicely into my next point: Submissive people are usually only going to act submissive in the bedroom. I’ve heard too many women say things like, “Well I just couldn’t respect a man that I could walk all over”. I always feel like saying - who says you can walk all over them? Unless they’re into trampling ;) 

Yes, there are D/s couples who live in a 24/7 dynamic but they are extremely rare. Most people don’t want to live in their sexual fantasies all the time - regardless of what they are into. If you love doggystyle position that doesn’t mean you like it 24/7! That’s absurd and totally common sense in vanilla world but as soon as we veer into kink and BDSM, it’s like all common sense goes out the window.

My lifestyle partner and I are a very normal, boring couple when we’re not playing. We are like any couple with our little patterns and quirks, things he’s good at, things I’m good at. We complement each other in ways entirely unrelated to kink. Also, we have vanilla sex too! Most kinky people just dabble in and out and switch things up as they see fit.

#5: It’s Fun As Fuck

Speaking of switching things up - having a kinky partner is so fun, I can never go back to vanilla world ever again. There are weeks and months at a time where we don’t have PIV sex. Okay, that’s definitely a weird flex but hear me out! When I was younger, that would’ve been bad news bears, but now I realize this is so much better! Truthfully, we’re not fixating on PIV sex because we are so distracted doing every other fun thing in the book that we literally forget! My partner and I will laugh about it and be like - oh yeah! PIV sex is so fun! As a couple of high sex drive, perverts, that says it all.

We’ve got a million toys and fun things to do. Everything is talked about and scheduled beforehand and there’s a million nooks and crannies to explore and our communication is top notch. I just can’t express how much fun it truly is. Plus, it doesn’t have to be performative and dramatic - quite the opposite! Everyone can be themselves, giggle, be silly and just enjoy exploring together.

There is such a treasure trove of absolutely amazing men hiding in the submissive male category. If you’re a woman looking for an absolute gem of a person, please re-evaluate your views on kink and male submission, open your mind and give a lovely subby boy a shot. If I’ve learned one thing through kink, it’s that you should try everything at least once and this is the perfect example. Put your preconceptions aside and give it a shot. Of course, for some women, it’s a simple hard-no which is totally fine but if submissive men are being dismissed simply because of a lack of understanding, that’s just a damn shame and a missed opportunity for all involved.

Dating Tips for Submissive Men

I’m a big fan of the old ‘honesty is the best policy’ way of living. If you can muster up the courage, I would definitely just be honest and lead with exactly who you are and what you’re looking for. Here’s a YouTube video I posted called “Come Out”. If you’re a little uncomfortable with that, I would suggest presenting yourself as kinky first then express an interest in being a switch, taking turns with domination and exploring together.

I highly recommend ripping the band-aid off quickly and not presenting your sexuality like it’s a cancer diagnosis. It’s fun and amazing and super sexy to be a male submissive so you’ve got to muster up all of your self acceptance and advocate for yourself. Anyone who shames you for who you are just saved you time and heartache by efficiently eliminating themselves for you. I hear too many stories of people stuck in sexually unfulfilling or incompatible relationships. You can only keep up the charade for so long, believe me, it’s better to be honest with yourself and ask for what you want.

The tides are changing, the younger generations are so much more accepting and cool about kink and gender roles so let’s all take a page from their book. Let’s stop trying to shove people into rigid and dehumanizing gender roles or making assumptions about people’s personalities based on their kinks.

If you’re a woman looking for diamond in the rough, start looking at submissive men, I see them all the time and can’t believe the missed opportunities happening right before my eyes. If you’re a submissive gentlemen looking to find a kinky or dominant girlfriend, keep your head up and use this as an opportunity to practice self acceptance and self advocacy. This is a true confidence test and builder and, we all know, there’s nothing sexier than confidence. You got this ❤️