Read time: 4 minutes.

BDSM lingo is like wine, you can get really into describing the notes, the year, the region and all that good stuff - or - you can just be like “I like red wine!” To each their own. I prefer using BDSM lingo only when it makes communication easier. Once it gets deeply semantic or theoretical, my little eyes glaze over and my pussy dries up. Much like being in the company of a wine connoisseur, I opt to grab my proverbial (and peasant-like) table wine and move slowly for the nearest exit. Just nod and smile, they’ll tucker themselves out soon enough.

Among all the terms we can talk about in BDSM; Dominant, submissive, top, bottom, masochist, sadist, kinkster, lifestyle, etc. there is an equal and opposite amount of tomfuckery surrounding the definition and meaning of each. Saying things like, “Well, you know, a Dominant isn’t necessarily a Top!” is like saying, “Well, you know, colour is an abstract concept only truly experienced by humans because of our use of language!” It’s not that you’re wrong, it’s just not my thing.

In my experience, much of the BDSM semantics serve little real world purpose. It’s all so subjective that a solid definition can always have a plethora of holes and exceptions poked in it before you even have a chance to whisper quietly to yourself, ‘I just came here to cum’.

Okay, you get it. I don’t like BDSM lingo.

Now, the definition of ‘fetishism’ is an exception for me. I’ve gotten many miles out of the term. Like many, I lumped everything all together when I first started in BDSM like a silly, word-salad buffet attendant. I thought fetish and D/s were synonymous and experienced much incredulity discovering the hard way that this particular definition actually mattered.

So, let’s get to it. A fetish is defined as:

1. a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.

2. an inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers or because it is considered to be inhabited by a spirit.

As much as I wish I was being patronized by people who thought my feet were inhabited by a magical spirit, I think the first definition is the most applicable in the context of BDSM.

So fetishists are people that are hyper fixating on something in a sexual way. People have foot fetishes, shoe and boot fetishes, freckle fetishes, height fetishes, even racial fetishes and tons more. Like the above foot ghost - on paper, it’s all good, in practice maybe not so much.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been highly offended by many-a fetishist. It is an inherently objectifying interaction and unless you’re fully aware of, and consenting to, this particular exchange, it can feel very disrespectful. Fetishists have a tendency to be fairly controlling in pursuit of their specific fantasy. I’m sure you can understand how this vibe is slightly at odds with the usual dynamic a Domme expects. Also, fetishists are generally hyper fixating on an aspect of a person or set of behaviours, which can come off as dismissive to the plethora of other things that particular person offers, like opinions, preferences, a personality, thoughts - that sort of thing.

Fetishists are so different from my normal patrons, sometimes it feels odd that most Dommes offer fetish services at all. It feels like those gas stations that randomly have a sushi bar in them or that place on the Queensway where they sell perfume ...and fireworks, for some reason? None of those things are inherently bad things to sell, it’s the combination that is unexpected. That’s how Dominatrices offering fetish services feels sometimes. 

For all of these reasons, in the broader BDSM community, the term fetishist is sometimes used as a pejorative. I’ll admit I’ve thrown the F bomb around (a few thousand times) myself. I’ve even made a salty ‘FemDom Fetish PSA’ video for YouTube, explaining that I’m a human being and all that good stuff.

So there’s all the reasons why friction is natural between a Domme and a fetishist but what about the success stories? What about all the lovely relationships I’ve had over the years with awesome, respectful fetishists? Including my life partner! How do those work? What’s the key to success?

I think it’s simply, mutual respect.

Yup. Trusty ol’ respect, both ways. In fact, fetishists are even a great cure for ‘Domme Disease’ too. This affliction affects many Dommes who take themselves all too seriously and start treating everyone like they're inferior, inside and outside of the dungeon. It’s a thing, I’ve done it, I learned not to do that because; real life. 

So the tips for fetishists are the exact same ones I tell myself when interfacing with a fetishist. They are:

Tip #1: This is not domination.

Just act like this interaction is at a coffee shop. Just be regular human-style polite, like this...

Me: “Hello! What can I get you today?”  

Fetish guy: “Good morning! Could I have a pair of heels dangled in my face from above while you read this script?”

Me: “Yep, the dangling heels are no problem but we’re fresh out of will to read scripts - Does that work for you?”

Fetish guy: “Okay no worries, can I lick your bare feet after the shoe dangling?”

Me: “Totally!”

Fetish guy: * slurping sounds *

Me: “Thank you - Have a great day!”

Tip #2: Approach with kid gloves and go slow.

There is an inherent mismatch here so just be aware of this. It’s like if a Republican and Democrat were to sit down and work on a project together. There can be friction and fighting if they start focusing on their differences but if both parties are cool to each other, it can be totally fine too. It just takes a little extra effort and sensitivity to bridge the gap, it’s far from impossible.

Tip #3: Respect.

If someone doesn’t like what you like, it’s okay. It’s best to just politely say ‘no thank you’ and move on. Boundary finding and enforcing is the name of the game in BDSM, it’s nothing to shy away from. Don’t yuck other people’s yums lest ye be yucked.

That’s it! That’s everything I know about how to be a great fetishist to a Domme. I hope this helps you and you get to do weird stuff in a happier way now!