Read time: 6 minutes.

Over time, my “work uniform” has naturally come to include a pair of red, high-top, Chuck Taylors that a subby gifted me a couple years ago. Donning them for the first time in session was an instant charge of excitement. Not only did I get to ditch the uncomfortable heels I was used to wearing for my scenes, I got to replace them with something way more… me. It was actually kind of funny to realize I would never have thought to wear those for work if it hadn’t been requested by a subby. After that, I realized that in heels, I often felt performative, wobbly and uncomfortable but in my new chucks, I felt stable, grounded and authentically badass.

So, why did it take a wardrobe request for me to realize I didn’t like wearing heels? Well, as I’ve talked about on my blog previously, it’s just so damn easy to get swept up in the “shoulda coulda wouldas” of BDSM. Ideas of what to wear, how to look and how to act need to be consciously dismantled with the hope that we can make way for individuality and authenticity as we grow. Nowadays my collection of 6 inch heels and spice girl style, sky-high wedges lovingly gather dust on their display shelf while my chucks get their daily wear.

The thing is, the story about my footwear goes beyond an aesthetic preference, there’s an analogy to be found here about authenticity and simply asking ourselves “why?”. In kink and BDSM, we fancy ourselves on the fringe of society, pushing away norms, embracing our oddities and individuality, in theory at least. The truth is that, even here, there is a template, there is a path, there is an invisible default to be learned and followed. If I’m being honest, I always wore heels because I thought I had to, it simply never occurred to me not to. I was subconsciously following an imaginary script in a space that prides itself on being unscripted.

I’m not complaining, it’s all very normal and nothing to be ashamed of but something to, most certainly, be aware of. There is safety in knowing there is no leader, no right way, no ultimate feeling, experience or behaviour to attain. When we forget that we are free, we begin imagining systems and hierarchies to place ourselves in or we fall prey to the imaginations of others. We do this to each other and we do it to ourselves with our self-talk, our ranking of behaviour, our clothing and, most dangerously, with the endless criticism of our own bodies.

To me, BDSM is like a community theatre funded entirely by human shame. It’s equally as dark as it is emancipating. Parts of ourselves can finally bubble up, new characters move out of the shadows when given a chance. Shame serves as the stage and sexuality is the spot light that keeps us safe from the darkness. Often this pairing can make certain interests just palatable enough to look at if we dare and, if we’re lucky, we might even trust someone else enough to see these parts of us too.

For me, I’ve now become addicted to showing my vulnerabilities to others, surprising even myself sometimes. It seems that the process of exploring kinks is always the same, no matter how many times I do it. The anxiety never subsides completely but the pattern becomes clearer and clearer with time. The racing heart is always the marker, the arrow pointing the way and what is hidden in the dark is often a diamond in the rough. I’m sure you’ve heard the term “Your greatest weakness is your greatest strength”… well in BDSM, it’s truly a phrase to live by. What you are good at and what you truly have to offer others often lies in what you instinctively interpret as a fault.

This brings me to my point, back to those red chucks. Something I had taken for granted until recently, is the fact that I could confidently ditch the heels and still dominate with ease, partially, because I’m actually pretty tall for a lady at 5’8”. I mention this because, up until recently, I had completely forgotten about the years of my life where my tallness was a recurring point of self-consciousness, particularly when I was younger. Growing up in the 90’s, the TV shows that I watched made it pretty clear that skinny, petite, young and ultra feminine was the ideal combo for a woman. The big butted, itty-bitty-titty commitee, tall girls of the 90’s were entirely on their own apparently! The world let me know where I stood with repeated comments of “Wow, you’re tall for a girl!” or the reactions of confusion and disbelief when I dared to date someone shorter than me.

Try as I might to resist, I definitely internalized some of that shit, as did many others in my generation. The battle against body conformity continues on for most of us but for men in particular right now, often times there’s little to no empathy. Short dudes are openly looked down upon with many women unapologetically requiring a height minimum as a prerequisite for dating. Hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? If we’re going to ask that women not be objectified constantly and held to rigid body standards, we should probably extend the same courtesy to men too, I believe.

And this is where I quietly slip out of the vanilla mainstream and find my comfy, cozy, happy place in kink and BDSM. When I first entered the world of FemDom, it was like all the rules of attraction completely flipped and suddenly everything hidden was revealed, everything shameful was held in awe. Now I proudly advertise as the things that were sold to me as ‘not hot’ when I was younger. Now I’m proudly tall, curvy and mature!

I resisted the pressure to lie about my age. I side stepped the misguided fixations on plastic surgery in this industry. I let go of the idea that I had to be a model or an actress to be a good Domme. I learned to love my body and the brain it holds and in exchange, I finally got to be myself. Now I can tell you, getting acceptance for who I actually am is more fulfilling than I could have ever hoped. Looking back, as with so many things in life, all the attributes I assumed needed fixing about myself were precisely what ended up being my biggest assets.

Now my soft spoken voice is seen as sexy, my thunder thighs are ogled at in awe, my maturity, kindness and self awareness are rewarded and my height is fully appreciated here. Watching the twinkling eyes of a sweet, tiny, gentleman subby as I turn around and bear my once shameful bubble butt is a hilariously full circle experience for me and I only hope the same for you. If you’re struggling with shame or insecurity about your identity or body, don’t push it down, look closer. There’s likely something delightful hidden there, even if it seems impossible. Feelings of inadequacy and humiliation are human feelings we all share and they are perfectly acceptable to have in general and totally cool to explore in BDSM, with a safe partner. Not only is it okay, it can be deeply erotic, cathartic and empowering!

So here’s my most recent example and the inspiration for this post. Since the pandemic started last year, I’ve definitely gained weight. Goodbye trim, yoga body, hello Madame Fluffy Buns! Ten years ago, this would’ve been a big deal for me, in a bad way. I would’ve locked myself away with some vegetables and beaten myself over the head with a bushel of broccoli for allowing this seemingly horrible misstep. Now, I know enough to chill the fuck out and just lean the fuck in. I even opted to get my first professional photo shoot done at my personal biggest and well, something absolutely beautiful has come of all of it! Besides my butt getting even bigger somehow and people being generally psyched about that, I’ve also got jiggly, jubbly cleavage now! Plus, I’ve been attracting a whole new crop of, petite, younger guys and I’ve now developed a whole new size comparison kink from it! Yes, a new kink! The ultimate in prizes for an introspecting pervert such as myself.

I’ve been loving the facesitting sessions with my miniature muffins! Parting my ample cheeks and taking a full-weight seat on those slight, star-eyed, little faces. Running my hands over their tiny waists and tight little chests as I easily and entirely envelope one little, happy head at a time, under my all encompassing booty. I love every part of this experience but I must say, I especially enjoy the feeling of their hands, so tiny in comparison to my giant badonk, pulling down, somehow wanting more! It honestly makes me giggle, just typing this out!

And this is why I love kink! Ultimately, I believe we all just crave acceptance and validation, whoever we are, wherever we’re at in life. Sometimes we just yearn to be seen at our most vulnerable and wholeheartedly accepted there. For me, this role has given me endless opportunity for exploration and validation, year after year, in all my various iterations along the way and all I can say is that it’s my absolute honour to be in a position to return the favour. So show up and just be yourself and I’ll lace up my trusty, red high tops for you and do the same.