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What can I say? The grass is always greener around someone else’s BDSM slave cage, I suppose. Future tripping is alive and well in the hearts and minds of those who seek to explore the realms of BDSM, of course, not all - but many. Enough to elicit this post.

If you often jump from one kink to the next, have trouble staying in the moment or achieving subspace or feel like sessions never live up to your expectations - this post is for you!

I had an awesome conversation with a fellow Domme recently that really got me thinking. If you’re familiar with my blog, she’s the one who inspired the first takeaway in the post:  “From Feared to Sincere: 5 Takeaways From 5 Years in FemDom”. The part about all FemDom personas potentially being narcissistic was inspired by a discussion with her. Well here she is again, inspiring more kinky ponderings! This time it relates to the clients we know as Das Kinky Gold Fishes, or the ADHD of cocks, an affliction that affects so many, yet I can’t find much written about it.

So what am I talking about, specifically?

Well, there are just so many people who cannot be in their bodies. They seem to resent and buck against it like they even have a choice. There are many ways to phrase it but it’s essentially an inability to be present. I’ve seen some cases so bad that they literally check out every five seconds. Sentences get cut off, eyes wander, the person either lives in what is about to happen or what happened last time which leaves me solidly alone, in the present. As a provider and person trying to do a good job and have fun, I’m sure you can see where it becomes frustrating.

I’ll share a few examples.

Example #1: New Toy Syndrome.

I have a FemDom mentor who owns her own play space. Her dungeon is a Domme’s wet dream come to life. Anyone who gets an invite, vibrates with fangirl excitement only to be truly floored at the actual beauty of this space. It’s filled with expensive, hard-to-find, hand selected equipment and implements with earthy, classy, vintage vibes - truly something to aspire to. It’s her own private, fully dedicated space, something most of us simply can’t afford. The space is a testament to her well-deserved success. 

I’m not super close with her but I remember her mentioning one time about her frustration with some of her subbies who see her and then say, “let me know when you get new toys and I’ll book another session!”. Well, my little eyes lit up upon hearing this because I’ve heard this exact same sentiment many-a-time from my own subbies and plenty of gold fishies too!

Now, I have sympathy for the subbies who say things like this because I believe it’s more of an empty gesture thing to say than anything else, just a conversational throwaway. Nonetheless it’s still a bit deflating to hear when most of us have access to a lot of equipment and spend lots of time and energy investing in toys and outfits. The fact that she was experiencing this same phenomenon really opened my eyes. Of course, I’ve always received those requests too, but I don’t have her space so I took it more at face value and thought, maybe I should get more toys? The idea that I could potentially have a dream space like hers and still get gold fishies there - it really made me think.

As Pro Dommes, our job is all about the details, we’re all detail fetishists in our own right, it’s a part of our job. So the thought of someone seeing all these implements, all this equipment, every nook and cranny full of life, collections and ideas hosted by a person so ripe with ideas they haven’t slowed down after 10 years of practice. The thought that any pair of eyes could glaze over after all this and totally diminish the experience to the future idea of ‘new toys’. I mean - it still breaks my brain a little bit!

Example #2: Be This - No Wait! Be That!

A few years ago, I presented a much tougher, ‘hardcore’ image or ‘brand’. My main request from subbies at that time was to ‘go easy’, ‘be nice’, or ‘have mercy!’. Now that I lead with my softer side, acceptance, vulnerability and safety - you guessed it! - my consistent request is to ‘go harder’, ‘be more intense’, ‘push my boundaries’. Keep in mind, I’m the same person now that I was then, offering the same things. I’m not complaining, I totally get it but it’s a great example of the grass is always greener effect.

Example #3: What’s Next?

Another example: My friend offers online, mutual masturbation sessions to a long-distance regular over webcam. At the beginning and end of every session he asks how they can “up the intensity” or “change things up”. So just think about how you would ‘spice things up’ for this person. New toys? Bigger toys? More toys at once? Different outfits? Extra person? Different angles? There’s not a lot you can do without investing more money than it’s worth, changing the context of the interaction or pushing the boundaries of either participant.

The funny thing about these types of subs is that they often don’t like any of the suggestions thrown out to them. When you do hit on something they want to try - Ding! Ding! Ding! - You guessed it, you’re often met with the same feedback at the end, “That was fun but can we try something more intense next time?”

Example #4: Desenti-trons.

I’ve noticed that the people attracted to the more extreme kinktivities, like brown showers, extreme pain and consensual non consent, are also the people least likely to enjoy themselves during their scenes. This is part of the reason I’ve shifted my focus to more chill sessions in the last year or so. My theory is that people that are attracted to extremes in BDSM have not learned the basics of being in their body and being present for simple experiences. Of course, not all, but many. 

Instead of doing the basic work of being present, which often involves learning to be vulnerable, they skip that step and run towards the next extreme and then the next and then the next. I believe that they hope the extreme nature of the scene will get them out of their heads but what they don’t realize is - only they can get themselves into subspace and into the present moment, there’s no magic person or activity that does it. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Control is given, not taken.

Good News! The Cure Is Right Here

And this brings me to the point of this post, this endless loop of dissatisfaction, aka The Hedonic Treadmill of Kink. 

I’ve seen it for years and I’ve been there myself. Here’s my advice: Being present and being aware is work and it takes an ongoing effort but it is so fucking worth it. No magic person or object is going to come along and cure all that ails you, it requires a concerted effort from you.

Focus on vulnerability. I don’t mean throwing away boundaries or being unsafe, but opening yourself up to the present moment. Stop fixating on grandiosity and come back down into real life, the simple things that are present right now. The sun shining through the curtains, the slight butterflies of excitement in your stomach, the twists and turns of the conversation with a new person. Stop trying to control and predict and start experiencing.

A lot of us live in the intellectual side of our experiences. I believe that when we do this, we’re really just trying to protect ourselves from our feelings. I’m guilty of this and I think the majority of people interested in BDSM are too! The only thing that has helped me exit that way of thinking is the practice of mindfulness. I love this course from audible called “Practicing Mindfulness: An Introduction to Meditation”.

Yes, yes, yes - I’m yet another person suggesting mindfulness meditation but I don’t give a shit because it actually works! Mindfulness literally sets you free and gives you your life back, including your sexuality. It’s definitely worth putting your efforts into. Yes, it’s scary and painful and boring at first but it’s ultimately one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself and those you love.

Kink and BDSM are great tools in practicing simple experiences like being present, being in the moment, being in your body, working through fear, working through pain and being vulnerable to another person. I’ve developed my mindfulness muscles through practicing both professional BDSM and through years of daily yoga practice. My strongest understanding of the submission offered in BDSM is through the surrender I’ve cultivated in yoga. Here are some examples of what I’ve learned about BDSM through yoga…

Tip #1: Become The Observer

A few years ago, in a busy yoga studio in downtown Calgary, the class is full and the yoga instructor is calmly walking us through our moving meditation. She is telling us to feel our bodies and watch our thoughts as they arise, objectively. As the class is slowing down and the studio becomes almost silent, a car alarm goes off right outside the window of the studio. I think to myself, “Well, this is awkward” and feel immediate empathy for the instructor.

She just continues on. She speaks calmly over the alarm and I assume she’s just going to ignore it altogether. “Everything that happens on your mat today is a part of your practice, the feelings in your body, the thoughts running through your head, the sounds that fill the space. Nothing is right or wrong here, everything simply ‘is’. Perhaps a thought passes by of what you’re going to have for dinner tonight, the ideas you have about what your body should or shouldn’t be doing right now, maybe a memory flickers through your mind momentarily. Maybe, perhaps, your attention wanders to the sound of, say… a car alarm outside, it’s all something we accept and witness objectively from a place of stillness as we stay in our bodies, on our mats within our practice.”

In BDSM, the car alarm is your brain and the same rules apply - and work. You just keep coming back to stillness and awareness, over and over.

Tip #2: Gain Control to Lose Control

There is a lot of preparation in yoga for dealing with our egos. It’s a part of almost every class I’ve ever attended. I’ve heard countless hours of phrases like this; ‘You don’t win a prize for putting your leg behind your head, that is not the goal!’ or ‘yoga is in your mind, you can be just sitting down and practicing’ and, of course, ‘yoga is a moving meditation’. It wasn’t until years into my practice that I understood why this preparation was so important.

As a person who always thought to myself, “Um, yes the goal certainly is to get my leg behind my head - Why else would I be stretching it every day?!” Like many others, I missed the point entirely for many years, mistaking my flexibility for a Best Yoga Lady award. Meanwhile, those diligent instructors stood before me, repeating the answer I needed, again and again, until I finally got it.

With any task, particularly anything physical, we crave validation and logic. We naturally rank and measure, it’s simply human nature, but yoga (like BDSM) is a subjective experience. Its very nature is to be immeasurable. If you let your ego reduce it to a physical competition, you’re just not going to get as much out of your experience.

By fixating on what the person on the yoga mat next to you is doing, you’re not fully in your practice, your ego is running the show. A comparison can be made with extreme FemDom clips. I’ve seen it, I’ve done it. I also totally get why every single yoga instructor harps on and on and on about not doing that.

Both yoga and BDSM have the illusion of physicality to overcome first and foremost. We have to remember that our minds and bodies are not separate, they an inextricably interwoven, one does not go without the other. When we compartmentalize our bodies away from our minds, we miss the point entirely. This truly is not a competition with others or ourselves - it’s a practice and it simply requires dedication. The physical accomplishments come and go, the competition doesn’t really exist, the only constant is you. You must develop some level of discipline if you want to get anything of substance out of your submission. Simply put: You’ve got to gain control over yourself before you can offer control to someone else.

Tip #3: Collect the Experience

In BDSM, we can get very rigid with our expectations, I see it all the time. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favour if you can just mentally prepare for the unknown. The way I like to think of it is that there’s always a lesson there for you but you don’t always get to choose what it is.

So many times, I’ll introduce something into a BDSM session, like a hood and the subby will perk up, “Oh, I didn’t know you were going to put a hood on me!” Correct. That’s part of the fun, it’s part of the experience. I understand that it’s scary and I generally just stop and ask if putting a hood on is a hard limit. I’ll explain what I’m going to do, what it will feel like and explain that we can take it off if necessary and move on from there. Generally people are okay after that but the impulse to control is still there.

I hope you can see where just being able to go with the flow really helps have a more exciting experience. Just like I can always walk out of a yoga class, you can always use your safe word but I think the goal is to not walk out, to not call red. My goal is to stay and see what I can handle and collect the experience as it comes while trying my hardest not to control the outcome.

If you find a hard limit, awesome. If you end up just needing a chill hang, great. If you hit subspace and have a transcendent experience - sweet! Neither one of us knows what will come of our time together, that’s why it’s fun and exciting. The unknown is not something to be organized and squashed before it’s even had time to manifest, it’s sacred in our world, something to be celebrated and preserved. There are plenty of mundane, predictable experiences in our day-to-day lives and this doesn’t have to be one of them.

Final Tip: Show Up For Yourself

In BDSM I have chosen to be like the yoga teachers I’ve admired. The ones that always gave their students full credit for the work done in their classes. They reminded everyone that this is your yoga mat, your practice, your body, your life. Sometimes you have a great, mindful, peace-filled practice and sometimes you're swamped with feelings and fail to get out of your head the whole time.

You don’t control, you just show up and watch with acceptance. It’s a deceptively simple task and your commitment renews with every new moment.

I’ve poured sweat into my yoga mat, I’ve grieved on that mat, I’ve shaken from fatigue and I’ve experienced countless hours of bliss there. My mat has been laid on the wooden floors of studios all over Canada and has seen the teachings of almost every style, multiple times over, hundreds and hundreds of hours. My hands have carved away at the thick layers, all four corners of each of my feet placed there mindfully, again and again, a testimonial to the simple act of showing up.

Now I understand that the goal is not to complete your practice or sprint to the end, the goal is built into the name, ‘practice’. It’s simply showing up and trying, accepting whatever happens on that day, at that time. This mindset is what I experience in BDSM as well.

I aspire to bring what I’ve learned from my favourite yoga teachers to my domination style. I’ve shied away from culty, angry, controlling yoga teachers in the same way I’ve shied away from those same vibes in BDSM. I’ve found my place as a guide, a space holder, a witness to your ability to show up for yourself.

So go ahead - show up. Show up in each moment, over and over. Let a voice of acceptance run quietly in the background. Show up for me if you need that excuse but above all, show up for yourself. You deserve to enjoy your sexuality to its fullest extent, you deserve to be here and you deserve to experience everything that is right here, right now. There is so much to be found in simplicity if you just learn to slow down and open yourself up to it.

I hope this helps you find an easier path to subspace or just helps with having a better time with life in general!

xo Bastienne