Let's Talk About Money, Honey!

Read time: 7 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

“Easy money” is a term that I’ve grown to hate. Professional domination is often viewed as just that - easy money, a cash grab. I lament the term not because I think it’s tremendously hard work, but because it implies a motivation that I do not relate to. I’m not motivated to make lots of money by doing ‘easy’ tasks. I’m motivated by the meaning behind my work, first and foremost and I always have been. 

I’ve quit many jobs that were easy as hell and paid quite decently because I could feel my soul shriveling up from the lack of meaning available in that role. I’m a Pro Domme because it’s fascinating work and it affords me the opportunity to positively affect other people sometimes while having fun. It has meaning and that’s its greatest function to me. Being paid is a means to that end and in this way, I’m a bit of a live-to-work person. It’s always been really important to me that I love my job.

I know that everyone is motivated by different desires and goals. Necessity, passion and ego are forces we all contend with and I totally respect that we’re all different. I’d just like to see my perspective concerning financial domination (or lack thereof) represented in professional FemDom and open up a new way of practicing professional BDSM to those who haven’t thought about it this way before. A method of professional FemDom that actively holds the value of a Domme or sub separate from the amount of money that they make or spend.

Yes, I know that wealth-worship is, to a certain extent, just a part of life, it seems. The wealthy have power and security and that is inherently alluring. Then we have the world of lifestyle BDSM which has its own hierarchy going on. Here’s a great post called “Competitive Submission” by Amy of the Coffee and Kink blog. In it, she talks about her journey through labels in BDSM and the feelings of insecurity it can evoke. 

So we’ve got the world of money mongering and the world of competitive intimacy. Sweet, now let’s combine these two and put a price tag on the whole thing! Well, fingers crossed you’ve got your head on straight because it all has the potential to be incredibly toxic, in my experience. The world of professional BDSM can often leave everyone feeling financially inadequate, providers and patrons alike. 

So, how can we separate our self-worth from our income levels within professional BDSM? This is basically my mini-guide to practicing, what I call “NON-Financial Domination.” Writing this blog post was inspired by one of my most downloaded podcasts of the same name. You can listen to the audio here with a monthly subscription, but in the meantime, let’s explore some tips on keeping money and sexual identity in healthy balance with each other.

TIP #1: BOUNDARIES FIRST 

When practicing consensual, safe BDSM, the main structure becomes personal boundaries. If boundaries are violated, the interaction can quickly slip from play into abuse. Once something is commodified, it is very easy to start prioritizing money over those boundaries.

A new Pro Domme might be tempted to take a session she doesn’t really like in order to make ‘easy money’. A submissive may feel pressured to book more frequently with a Pro Domme so that they can maintain a certain status with her. When it comes to these decisions, boundaries should ALWAYS come first, not money - no exceptions. 

Lose the money, lose the client, lose the Domme, lose the friend, lose whatever you need to in order to maintain your personal autonomy. Anyone who wants to compromise your boundaries isn’t worth playing with anyways so the quicker they leave, the better. Don’t let money cloud your vision, boundaries always come first. Short term loss for long term gain. You find higher quality people this way and you offer a higher quality experience because of it.

TIP #2: OPTIMIZE YOUR IN-SESSION TIME

This is great advice for Dommes and subs. I’ve realized that a huge amount of my energy simply goes into making sure that I’m in a good mood for my sessions. This demonstrates respect and care and costs no money. Learn what is the best headspace for you going into a session and do your best to offer that to the person you’re playing with.

Also, learn how to listen, be present and improvise in the moment. Practicing BDSM is like having a conversation, it’s created one word at a time. Be prepared to listen and adapt as you go. There is no right or wrong behaviour, it’s really just about listening and watching and then choosing what you believe is the appropriate reaction to each moment. As you learn, you become quicker and more adept at choosing the appropriate response.

TIP #3: NERD OUT ON YOUR TIME OFF

There is SO much that can be done during your time between sessions. Self training and discipline are the foundation of any progress you’ll ever make with a dominant so don’t discount that value. You can practice chastity, edging, orgasm control, anal stretching, self wedgies, feminization and ball crushing on your own. Here’s a shameless plug of my handmade ball crushers available on Etsy. It’s a genuinely great device for solo pain training.

You can also practice mindfulness, listening skills and positive self-talk. You can learn more about your body and how you react to different sensations for better communication in the future. I have a blog post called “Kink-trospection” that might help with this.

You can also research more about your Domme. Watch her clips, read her posts and follow along with any of her online content or instructionals, if available. If you’re interested in offering her service submission, check and see if she has any free tasks listed on her website. For many this would include things like following, liking and reposting their social media content.

For me, I have a few free service submission tasks available to subbies: Compiling links to sites that have pirated my clips and sending them to me, consuming my free content and watching my “Brownie Point” list on YouTube. These are free ways to either get to know me or help save me time.

TIP #4: STOP PRETENDING

Let’s all stop pretending that we’re something that we’re not. Ditch perfect and opt into relatable. Stop conflating how much money you make or don’t make to your worth as a person. The truth is, we’re all somewhere along the spectrum and trying our best to prioritize things in our lives. Whether it’s time, energy or money, we’ve only got so much of it and tough choices have to be made for all of us. If people can’t relate to that and understand where you’re coming from - fuck em. Seriously. Your ability to be a good sub or Domme has nothing to do with how much money you make or how you choose to spend it so let’s stop getting distracted by those things and concentrate on creating amazing sessions for each other.

TIP #5: THE LOVE LANGUAGE TEST

In BDSM, pretty much the answer to every question is “it depends on the person.” As redundant and vague as that is, it’s always true. I’ve been surprised by some of my own boundaries as I’ve journeyed through FemDom. One of the most unexpected of mine being financial domination. One woman’s compliment is another woman’s headache.

Here are my love languages in order of importance to me: QUALITY TIME, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and receiving gifts. If I could list ‘receiving gifts’ lower, I would. That’s just me and truly, everyone is different but it’s certainly not the norm in my industry. It took me a while to give myself permission to delete my wish lists, say no thank you to financial subs and, finally, add FinDom to my list of hard limits.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a bottle of wine or a cute houseplant, but that’s about it. I don’t mind those gifts because they are affordable and often enjoyed by both of us. We’re sharing a glass of wine after our session, your introducing a new flavour to me or vice versa or you’re adding your plant to my collection for everyone to enjoy when they visit. It’s more about the shared experience than an exchange of valuables.

Straight up financial domination quickly becomes unpleasant for me. The power dynamic becomes confusing and uncomfortable. It quickly turns supposed ‘easy money’ into ‘very difficult and psychologically exhausting money’. No thanks.

Here’s the Love Language Test if you’re interested!

TIP #6: SET THEM FREE

In the BDSM world, ownership is a huge theme. There is this constant rhetoric of ultimate slavedom and mightiful Masters and Mistresses. I recommend putting that line of thinking firmly in the fantasy realm and leaving it there until your next horny time. It’s hot to fantasize about and decidedly not-hot to actually try to fulfill, particularly in professional BDSM.

As a way to alleviate the financial pressure, I suggest entirely letting everyone off the hook. That means letting each, compatible subby know that they are always welcome to come back but it is never expected. Conversely, just because someone has lots of money, doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to see them. For subs this might mean letting your Domme know that you may only be able to see them once or very infrequently. 

For me, existing in a place where there is no financial obligation to each other keeps everyone safe and means that the people who keep coming back to me are all the more meaningful. There is no pressure, no implication of value one way or the other. They are back because they want to be and so am I.

I think if we follow these tips in professional BDSM, we can slowly move the needle away from the worship of wealth and more towards the quality of the human interaction we’re having together, even within a professional exchange. I have a few more posts that relate to this subject, check them out if you’re craving more content like this and thanks for reading!

“The Economics of Kink” - Bastienne’s BDSM Blog

“MONEY: EP#1 of The Last Bastienne Podcast” on YouTube

“Let’s Talk About Money, Honey” - Substack Post with audio

“Behind The Curtain” - Substack post with audio (behind a paywall)