BDSM for Beginners!
Hello, newbie! I’m Bastienne, your one-woman welcoming committee. If you’re a curious explorer and feeling apprehensive, welcome to the club! There’s a lot of insecurity and gatekeeping in BDSM for both sides of the D/s dynamic. After 8 years as both a professional and lifestyle Domme, I’ve realized it was all much ado about nothing.
So, welcome to the gate destruction party - grab a cosmic sledgehammer and let’s fucking go!
MY PERSPECTIVE
So, whatever the opposite of a gatekeeper is - I’m that. Always have been, always will be. Every job I’ve ever had, working in kitchens or construction or wherever, I would naturally become the automatic, surrogate friend for any new people. I would happily provide a little incubator for them until they found their place socially and skill-wise within the job. I’ve always been a naturally welcoming person, delighted by providing acceptance to others and excited to share my experiences.
I’ve been the new person in a workplace or to a hobby many times. I understand how important it is to feel accepted and confident in order to start growing and learning. Don’t get me wrong, respect is healthy - but crippling anxiety is not. That’s why my approach to BDSM is lighthearted, slow and fun. I think we can have a sense of humour and humanity while still exploring the darker side of sexuality.
Here’s a little fact that I love telling apprehensive newbies: Some of the most euphoric experiences I’ve had over the years have been with complete newbies. Did you read that?! That’s right - people with zero experience in BDSM. That should tell you a lot. My experiences lead me to believe that you might just have a treasure trove of intuitive talent and kinky good-times hidden within you. I don’t care about your body, background, experience level, etc. - I believe it’s truly never too late to start exploring.
As a professional and lifestyle Domme, I’ve been collecting experiences in this realm for 10 years now. I’m still entirely obsessed and can’t stop blabbering on about my findings. I don’t claim to be an expert, just a big, ol’ FemDom nerd, an attentive and kinky bud to explore with. Currently, my interests manifest in content creation, ponderings and a passion for democratizing sexual exploration for those I meet. Check out my podcast and blog to see what I’ve been up to recently.
After working my way through a slew of imaginary gates myself, nothing gives me greater pleasure than to destroy them in my wake and welcome each new explorer with open (paddle wielding) arms!
THE BIG SECRET ABOUT BDSM
So, now I’m going to tell you the big secret, you just have to promise me that you’ll tell everyone you know - okay? Cool! It’s this: You already know everything you need to know about BDSM. You have a built-in compass that will tell you more than I ever could - it’s called your ‘gut’. That’s what most experienced players have relied on and honed throughout their explorations and it’s truly that simple. Proceed with respect, humility and awareness - and start gaining experience!
It’s all fun and games and you have full access to everything you want, you just need to give yourself permission. The barriers of experience, shame and income can be worked around. Don’t allow anyone to stand between you and your sexuality. There’s no gatekeepers, it’s just you, boo boo.
Welcome!
Below I’ve compiled a few resources to explore if you’re new and feeling weird.
BDSM Cheat Sheet
It’s all roleplay.
Shame is an integral part of most people’s sexuality. It can be managed, not eliminated.
Finding your boundaries is the main task.
Learn how to be present and go with the flow.
Don’t take yourself too seriously and try to have fun.
You’re Normal
It seems that shame and BDSM have a pretty cozy connection. It is incredibly common for people to be surprised, perhaps even embarrassed, by their attraction to BDSM. Let me assure you, you are not alone in your interests - far from it! The MAJORITY of adults have some interest in the use of power dynamics within their sexuality.
So there, you’re a basic bitch - happy now? I jest, you are a special, little snowflake in your own way, but, you should know that the vast majority of people I see have a ton of common interests. It’s all very normal, don’t feel weird.
I’ve written a lot about these subjects on my BDSM blog and I often talk about how I approach BDSM, my in-session methods, theory and specialties on my podcast. Go read and listen to those resources, they’re great crash courses in the psychology of submission and how I approach that practically as a Domme.
It’s Opposite Day!
So many people who enjoy sexual submission also experience shame related to their desires. Your identity may become threatened by this new, submissive side that keeps wanting to come out and play. What you may not realize is that most people who are interested in sexual submission are naturally dominant in their regular lives. Dude, your brain just wants a break and it’s expressing itself through your sexuality. It’s okay and it’s incredibly common!
Still Anxious?
Instead of jumping right into a session, consider applying for a meet and greet first! You can request this option during the booking process. First you purchase an application attempt here and in the notes section, just state that you’re looking for a meet and greet to start. It’s a great, low-pressure way of taking the first step without totally overwhelming yourself. This option is great for people who are just interested in some BDSM education as well or couples looking for advice. No playing, just chatting, a tour of my space, perhaps a glass of wine? A cup-o-tea? Whatever! Tis a very chill way to dip your toe in.
Final Tip:
Enjoy the excitement, the unknown and the debauchery while it’s new! It’s hard to recapture that feeling once it’s gone so don’t shame yourself for being new - soak it the fuck up! It’s exciting and fun so just enjoy the journey.
