12 Session Planning Styles
“Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning” - Gloria Steinem
I fucking love that quote.
I learned to dream as a form of escapism as a child. In the 80’s movie, The Neverending Story, Bastien (my namesake) escapes his problems by diving into a book. By the end of the movie, his fictional world and real world start to blend and he finds a new sense of empowerment through Atreyu, his fictional representative.
Having watched that movie dozens of times as a kid, I think it deeply engrained in me that my imagination could always be a source of freedom no matter what was happening around me in the real world.
The reason I chose the stage name Bastienne for myself is because of this duality. I truly believe in the power of dreaming and through this practice, like Bastien, I’ve created strength and freedom in the real world by just thinking about it.
It’s introvert power at its finest.
Every element of my current business as Bastienne was borne from my imagination and my most frequent feedback in FemDom is that I’m ‘creative’. It’s not something that I just enjoy, it’s fundamental to how I function in the world. If it’s not weird, I’m most likely not interested.
In this work, my mind serves as a perverted version of Fantasia to those that I play with and I get to be Atreyu or The Nothing or Gmork or, often, I get involuntarily cast as The Childlike Empress.
The realm of BDSM is almost entirely fictional whether people want to recognize that or not. We are imagining ourselves in creative and new positions within the social hierarchy. Whether you are copying someone else’s fantasy or creating your own, you’re participating in a shared dream to a certain extent.
To see someone’s fantasies is to see something uniquely truthful about who they are. You can sometimes infer quite a bit about their fears and values with knowledge of a just a few fantasies, it’s a real sneak peak behind our social facade. It’s really interesting and sometimes disturbing, not because of the fantasies themselves but because of the foundation they are built on.
In BDSM a fantasy is often a mix of fear and desire. Both of these feelings are rooted in value whether it be for the other person or people in the fantasy or something related to your position in the world. You can’t fear or desire something unless you have some value for it, I think that’s why I find it so fascinating.
Weirdly, there’s a lot of sexism and misogny deeply baked into people’s FemDom fantasies. Yup, it’s a total mind fuck and I’ve been unpacking it for over ten years now. Sometimes it’s tiring, disappointing or straight up infuriating yet, I just can’t seem to look away.
Others use BDSM fantasy as a tool to free themselves from restrictive societal norms and expectations. They use this creative space to try on different identities, like I have as Bastienne.
I think that how people plan their sessions is quite insightful. It’s a glimpse into the coping and processing mechanisms that we each employ while managing the mix of feelings that come along with creating and potentially fulfilling a fantasy. Having now spent thousands of hours peeking around in other people’s dream worlds and walking through all the steps it takes to make them happen, I think it’s worth writing about. I’ll start with the shitty ones and end all sappy, as per the usual.
So how do people dream? Let me count the ways!
The Pigeon Holer
A way of gaining control of our environment is to understand it - or - to at least feel like we understand it. As submissives consume online content and collect experiences, they naturally start detecting patterns. After all, a large part of exploring your own sexuality is a reflective mechanism where you discover what you like and don’t like via interacting with others.
The issue is, particularly in power exchange, this reflective process can often turn into a one way mirror. This is especially common with people who are predominantly consuming professional content and services. It’s a service after all, where providers are competing for your attention and money, not necessarily for your good behaviour despite the pageantry of professional FemDom.
This often manifests itself in The Pigeon Holer, usually men who view their worth as a submissive through the lens of content consumption and assessment. Their submissive identity leans heavily on categories, much like the drop down menu of a porn site. They subconsciously pride themselves on being able to categorize themselves but, most importantly, being able to categorize providers like myself.
Most of my interactions with them are framed within this perspective and seemingly pulled continuously back into this pursuit. Conformity seems to be their subconscious goal, my conformity to be specific.
You’re a sadist therefore you think / feel / act / react in ______ way to ______.
You’re a lifestyle Domme therefore you think / feel / act / react in ______ way to ______.
You’re a Pro Domme therefore you think / feel / act / react in ______ way to ______.
The examples go and go and on and none of them include that bit where every person is different and you need to actually expend energy to get to know each person individually. To The Pigeon Holer, my imagination is more of an impediment than it is an asset.
The Philosopher
Related to The Pigeon Holer, I think this person subconsciously seeks superiority which is yet another way to subvert submission. It’s a form of intellectualism that I’ve also fallen prey to. In my opinion BDSM is just as deep and cerebral as it is silly and inane. Cranking the volume all the way to one side or the other defeats the purpose of it, in my experience.
Although I am very ‘Wizard Stroking Beard Glaring Out of Castle Window’ level serious sometimes here on my blog, in play I am incredibly irreverent, lighthearted and self deprecating. I simply can’t take certain elements of BDSM seriously and, yeah, sometimes I get negative feedback about it.
Perhaps this is why I don’t mesh well with The Philosophers of BDSM in actual interactions. To me, it’s like talking endlessly about a future meal or waxing poetically about a song or joke. I want to eat the meal, I want to hear the damn song or joke already! Enough with the self reverence, I prefer to have a light hearted, self deprecating approach to most things, but certainly about the intricacies of pretending I’m someone’s mommy and farting on their head!
Come on now.
The Perfectionist
In the pursuit of their own, perfect submission, I often get dragged along in the undertow of their big plans. Perfectionism is a way of subconsciously subverting actual vulnerability, I should know, I do it all the time. Why simply live when you can be perfect? What are you? Some kind of a fool who just… enjoys things??
The Perfectionistic submissive quickly grows frustrated with my chaotic, nonsensical, irreverent style and starts subtly prompting me to tighten up. I can always feel the judgement heading my way that I should “start” the session, that I can push them and give them tasks that I can create a structure for them to succeed in. Well, the session has started, the task is here and the structure is provided but The Perfectionist is too wrapped up in the narration of the experience to actually feel any of it.
The judgement they subject themselves to constantly will invariably be directed at me, it’s only a matter of time.
What has helped me get out of my own perfectionistic loops (and in turn clients as well) is to remind myself that everything is messy, very little can be planned and you can give up entirely on trying to predict your feelings. This is especially true in a BDSM scene that is often between two strangers. The journey, the experiences, the failures and successes, the negative feelings along with the positive ones are the goal, they are inherently perfect because they are what is actually happening and this includes a perfectionist being disappointed with my style.
It’s not about meticulous fixation and future tripping, those are antithetical to what I think power exchange really is, which is open mindedness and presence. The antidote to this form of control being The Fantasy Builder, which is one of the last types of planners listed in this post.
I love the saying: ‘Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good’, particularly as it pertains to acting out a fantasy.
The Ventriloquist
Despite the title Dominatrix, Female Dominant or Professional DOMINANT, there is a quiet, somewhat insidious understanding that this role entails a high level of catering. It’s often expected that I am told what to do and how to do it, then to turn around and convince the person who just directed me that it was - surprise! - all my idea, actually!
This is a job and, of course, there is a level of service topping and accommodation involved. There’s also a level of compromise that is ever present in any form of relationship so the expectation of input is reasonable but, of course, some people take it to the extreme. Some ‘submissives’ get highly offended when I won’t just shut up and parrot things back to them.
This type, oddly enough, seeks compliance in their dominant.
Ugh, I know, I know it’s my pesky personhood getting in the way again! I want to be Atreyu, you be The Friggin’ Princess!
The Negotiator
Endless tire kicking, freeloading and carrot dangling is often presented under the dreaded guise of ‘negotiation’. This is often, egregiously trying to hide behind the pretense of safety. This is my least favourite type of planner. The moment that someone dangles any iteration of the phrase “before I book, can we negotiate the scene?” my hackles go up.
It’s not that I don’t negotiate, in fact, I have a whole extensive, nerdy system for it, and that’s the problem. My system is too boring, it’s too efficient for some because they don’t actually want to book and experience a session, they want to endlessly negotiate. No actual play, no fantasy, no role play, no fun, no money, just endless pontificating, theorizing and pedantry.
What a fucking nightmare.
Now, I’ve learned to only indulge in this behaviour on paid platforms and please, for the love of Gob, to any inexperienced providers reading this - do NOT extensively ‘negotiate’ scenes for free. Never, never, ever with anyone!
Intuitively you’d think that no one would want to do only the boring parts of a negotiation like pick out dates, discuss hard limits, sort out travel options, crunch numbers and even send deposits without actually intending on following through but you’d be wrong, you’d be very wrong.
These folks experience fantasy via a fucking calculator, apparently.
These people are subconsciously seeking escapism, self indulgence and a nonconsensual form of role play by impersonating an actual client. They are getting off to the fantasy of a fantasy.
Similar to people who take out their bad moods on the wait staff, they know they’ve got a captive audience and they’re happy to abuse that situation to their benefit and to the other person’s, very real, detriment.
Like window shopping for vacations online, joining a dating app just “for the attention” or perusing job offers while you’re at your job that you hate, The Negotiators get to experience the sensation and thrill of adventure, commitment, decisiveness and bravery without actually having it. They will insist on planning everything out and then cancel or ghost, only to repeat the process when they need another fix.
I’ve had the most banal conversations with people about the most boring logistics of a scene, having them continuously drag the conversation away from fun, playful role play and banter back into “no, no, no, this is real” administrative hell over and over. They are like energy vampires repelled by anything positive about BDSM and drawn only to the mundane, administrative, most pedantic aspects which they, apparently, get off to, especially if it’s for free.
Unlike actual submissives, these people have made me feel deep disappointment, embarrassment, anger and disempowerment. I’ve traveled and lost money on rentals for these clowns, I’ve wasted hundreds of hours of my time and attention on them for nothing except for this simple lesson - insulate yourself against them at all costs.
They subconsciously seek power and it manifests itself in a spectrum anywhere from selfish negligence to willful malice. They are the antithesis of a good submissive, or a submissive at all, and I hope that they remain trapped within their tiny, dull, self consumed worlds. May their minds collapse in on themselves slowly and painfully, never to experience the connection, fun and enlightenment that I have with my real clients in real life.
Negotiate that.
The Dead Horse Beater
‘What would you do? No, I mean, what would you really do? No, I mean for real, for real, what would you actually do?’
This type of planner is very much related to the last one but deserves its own section. When chatting theoretically about a future session, in any context, the real answer to any of the above questions is always - it depends on the situation. I have earnestly tried to plan sessions out on my own, with the other person and every combination of the two. If it’s an option, I’ve likely tried it and come to the conclusion - you can only plan so much.
I feel like I’ve struck a nice balance now where I mainly plan out the logistics of the session, like bondage, equipment, order of kinks and maybe roleplay theme but everything else depends on the moment. I’ve tried to force narratives or plans and, a lot of times, I just have to improvise. That’s the fun of it and the point of seeing a professional.
The Dead Horse Beater doesn’t accept options of things we could do or things I’ve done in the past, it must be a definitive answer with no fantasy elements or context. Whatever I propose is generally met with pushback because, ya know, that dead horse needs just a bit more pummelling.
There’s another version of The Dead Horse Beater, the person who insists that I contribute but won’t listen to anything I say. It manifests in “what do you think??” “what do you want to do??” “I want you to think up ideas” “it’s really important to me that we do what you want!!” and when I do offer an idea, they (you guessed it!) entirely ignore what I’ve said and revert back to their own ideas followed by “okay so, what would you actually do??” and “can you share some ideas??”
These people want to feel inclusive while simultaneously being utterly insular. Why are you pretending to talk to me when we both know you really you just want to talk to yourself?
The Deja Voyeur
This is the positive version of the previous type. Surprisingly, I can really enjoy this type of submissive. In fact, I have two weekly Patreons that very much cater to The Deja Voyeurs.
These are folks who have a pretty narrow focus on one particular kink, fetish or scenario but are very excited and open to ideas within that particular purview. For me, it often gets my creative juices flowing because they often seek excitement and novelty in their particular interest.
They are generally pleasantly surprised and very welcoming when a Domme takes interest in their niche. It’s like showing up to the boring office party with strippers, pizza and a keg. Everyone is super excited to see you!
They provide me with a structure, for example, FemDom wedgies, and I flesh it out with fantasies, power dynamic ideas and visuals. They provide just enough structure to launch from, I fill in the rest. Everyone wins, it’s a great, creative, symbiotic match.
I love exploring every possible, psychological corner of a kink with the right audience. Yes, it’s very restrictive and a couple years ago, if you would have told me to create 120 separate role play ideas for female dominant centred wedgie scenarios that are solely acted out by me in 5 minute audio increments, I would’ve rolled my eyes. Yet, here I am - 120+ episodes in and counting - and thoroughly enjoying every minute of it!
I often make myself laugh creating these scenes and audio episodes, I’ll send my audio creations to friends and regale them with details of whatever silly session I just did. With the Patreons, I love getting creative on occasion with background noise and sound effects. It’s just super fun and makes me really grateful for my job.
The Flasher
This is another one that I surprisingly like. These people are more vanilla leaning but they’re generally more straight forward, whether they are chatting online or planning a session, they can be some lovely, respectful perverts.
They seek boobs and butts and I have both of those things right here * points to butt and boobs *.
As long as it’s somewhat within the context of FemDom, respectful of my time (meaning I get paid) and within my boundaries, I’m all for that morning dick pic, an afternoon wank session, some dirty talk, (non) tasteful nudes, video swapping or a good old, actual butt in your face.
After all, I’m not a sex worker because I hate sex.
Some things in life are just classically awesome like facesitting for example. I love the people who follow all my protocols and just simply want my butt on their face. Nothing more, nothing less. They’re in and out like a fiddler’s elbow. Straightforward, no head games, no time wasting, no carrot dangling, no hoop jumping, just a respectable “here’s my weiner, have a great day!”
Sometimes people are apprehensive to ask about certain boundaries, which I appreciate, but it’s so much better to ask directly than to show up not knowing what to expect or playing weird, head games like some of the aforementioned planners. For me, these are like the grilled cheese sandwiches of sessions, I’ve had it a million times but it’s still just so awesome!
They simply seek straighforward indulgence and I do too.
The Soul Searcher
I like these ones too, these people are trying to learn about themselves through me and it’s one of my favourite parts of this job. You know those people with fruit trees and all summer they are just giving away apples or peaches or whatever they’re growing because there’s just so damn much of said fruit? That’s me with my thoughts about BDSM.
I am an excellent resource for people who are seeking understanding and reassurance about their submissive desires. They seek insight and introspection and I’ve got it.
The Pragmatist
Oh the beloved pragmatist! They are chatting with me online because they’ve already booked a session and want to discuss things in more detail but they also want to be respectful so they’re doing exactly what they should do (and the opposite of the dreaded, aforementioned Negotiator). They are paying for my time and communicating about any extraneous information through the designated, paid chatting platform(s).
These people are often so pragmatic that they end up wrapping everything up fairly quickly and I often end up telling them that they could’ve just emailed me the few extra bits of information. I mean, I’m strict with these things but I’m also reasonable!
I will tell you though, having someone go above and beyond to demonstrate that they have read my instructions, maybe they’ve even read through my website, my blog, noting my likes and dislikes - and they understand how important respecting my time is - it goes a long fucking way with me. I love reasonable, efficient, respectful people. Sometimes they are like a goddamn oasis in the desert of this work.
No bullshit, no games, no time wasting, just straightforward interactions and tangible support of my business. They seek sessions and they get them, boy oh boy, do they get them.
The Companion
These are folks who blur the line between professional and personal for me. They seek comradery and acceptance and to be honest, it tugs at my heart strings because I want that too. I think many sex workers have learned to draw professional boundaries the hard way. I’ve learned that I can feel very connected to clients while also knowing the limitations of this interaction. It is professional after all and that is safest for all involved. When me or my client are getting too familiar, I see it as my responsibility to redirect.
In many ways, I’m grateful that I no longer have my own private space to work from because those lines are a lot less blurry now that I am on a strict schedule, working in a shared, rented space.
The Companion is often looking for a partner and it’s my honour and my job to facilitate that. It won’t be me but it’s incredibly endearing and heartening that people come to me with this wish and that I am trusted as a surrogate in this way.
It’s very important to me and it’s truly an honour when people want to actually invest time and energy into getting to know the real me. Again, there’s always a limit there because they will always be getting to know Bastienne, a fantasy version of me but it says more about who they are and everything they have to offer than it does about me that this is what they desire.
Also nothing is a bigger green flag than someone who is not only open to the idea that I am a fully formed person but that they are also willing and able to explore that and share themselves with me in turn. They are not trying to control, they are trying to connect and that’s the key to submission. They come fully ready, open and willing and it’s an absolute joy to play with them.
Planning sessions with these folks often involves them just wanting to chat and get to know each other as people. It adds depth to the play for both parties and they intuitively pursue that often asking something like - “I know this is weird but can we just chat and get to know each other on here?”.
Yes, yes we can.
Nothing makes me happier than to discover that one of these types has learned about themselves from me and gone off into the world and found themselves a kinky partner. The good ones usually do.
They seek acceptance and all the sweet muffins deserve that.
The Fantasy Builder
Now this is how I think everyone should plan sessions, whether it’s with your Domme or on your own. Brainstorm hot situations involving power exchange, present a few ideas and see where you overlap with the fantasies of the other person.
Fantasy Builders don’t talk about the upcoming session, they don’t dictate or plan what will happen beyond the rudimentary and I absolutely love it! Let’s talk about kinky things we’ve done in the past, things we want to do, situations we find hot and start fantasizing in tandum.
I love chatting with people like this because it’s actually fun and often a real turn on! I’m shocked at how many new scenarios one perverted woman (me) can come up with in one lifetime! I love picking people’s brains, sending pics and seeing what works. There’s no fixating on what’s going to happen, just sharing ideas and sometimes creating worlds!
I’ve lived fully in role play with some very creative submissives where we chat so much and create such intertwined fantasy worlds that it almost becomes a shared reality - now that’s how you plan a session!
Like most things in BDSM, it is internal, it’s psychological. It’s about the chemistry of those particular people in that particular moment. It’s not a sequence of events or actions, it stems from imagination and letting yourself create kinky things together.
I had a whole world with this one online submissive where all he did was live in my shoe closet and sniff my shoes. Every once in a while he would end up under the ‘imaginary’ dinner table, but it was always fun because it was light, imaginative and playful. We weren’t constantly correcting each other and ‘managing expectations’, we were just throwing ideas out there and seeing what the other person liked.
It doesn’t have to be rooted in reality, in fact it shouldn’t be! Start big and fantastical - you’ll learn a lot more about what the other person is into if you let their imagination wander. Yes, we’re all constrained by the laws of physics and reality - please don’t remind me - I’m painfully aware but, in the meantime, let’s fantasize!
The Fantasy Builder seeks creative escapism through imagination and so do I.
So that’s it! As a person who has been labeled as creative my whole life, sometimes I forget what it even means anymore, it’s just such an integral part of my identity. When I think about it, it’s a practice, it’s a really useful skill you develop on your own. It’s about trying on alternate realities, truly feeling them and seeing which ones you want to take into the real world and make happen. It’s about imagining you’re the type of person who is brave enough to try until one day you actually are.
If you can visualize what you want, you can begin to name it and work towards it and that requires some bravery and self acceptance. There’s no rules, no uniform, no limits, no boss, no rewards and no structure. That can be either paralyzingly overwhelming or intensely freeing, depending on how you approach it.
I hope this inspired you to dream bravely! Whether it’s something silly like getting farted on by a big butted lady like me or something deeper like working through the shameful elements of exploring submission, the Perverted World of Fantasia is always there for you to escape into if you need it. It’s free, use it!
Thanks for reading and until next time - Stay Kinky!
xo Bastienne
