"You Can Be Meaner"
Read time: 18 minutes
I was recently listening to a podcast and one of the hosts was referring to her niece learning some new, hilariously manipulative tactics. She was laughing as she described the 4 year old’s new approach of saying things like “I can have cookies if you want” or “you can take me to the movies today, my mom said I’m allowed”.
While this was likely nothing more than a cute, passing anecdote for most listeners, it had me running to my laptop to write this blog post.
I think the word manipulative was the main descriptor that I needed to hear and it immediately made me think of those four simple words that always elicit a long, deep sigh from me - “you can be meaner”.
It’s a directive I’ve heard many times over the last decade working as a professional dominant. Whether it be from people who have seen me in person and are describing what they’d like in their next session or it’s a person who I’m chatting with online.
Saying “you can be ______” to any other adult person is passive aggressive at best, rude at worst. Let’s use this example. You’re with a loud friend in public and they’re embarrassing you. Do you say:
A.) “You can keep your voice down if you want”
or
B.) “Can you keep your voice down?”
This is not a matter of dominance and submission, this is just real world, boring ass etiquette. But, as I’ve come to realize and still struggle to accept, common decency is often thrown out the window when people interact with sex workers, even the dominant variety. The entire world of sex work is so surreal to most that they lose all sense of decorum, seemingly.
Stating “you can be ______” to another adult is comparable to exclaiming “oh my god! you look so horrible! Are you tired!?” or asking someone how much money they make annually. It’s a social misstep in my opinion and while it’s not egregious, it’s unacceptable and happens so frequently that, at this point, I think it’s worth addressing.
Writing about these nuances here on my blog is not only cathartic for me but it really helps inform curious clients who are genuinely trying to improve themselves. I’ve written salty posts on here before and felt self conscious about being too negative or critical but over the years, I’ve gained confidence in my salty rants. I’ve decided I don’t want to attract clients who want an entirely accommodating Domme. If me asking to be treated with respect turns you off and scares you away then I’ve done my job.
I am writing about this subject for several reasons: It’s a great filtering mechanism, it’s a way to actually learn about me and my lived experience, it’s a way for me to talk about the professional side of FemDom and, most importantly, I believe it’s a feminist issue.
Sadly I see anti-feminism and even misogyny on a regular basis in my work so speaking about it directly makes me feel empowered. Not like ‘dress up in a catsuit and look sexy’ empowered, I mean like grown-up woman, real-life empowered, so thank you for reading - Enjoy!
Act Mean, Don’t Be Mean
I’m a sadist. It’s something that comes very easily to me and was something I had to learn to restrain rather than nurture when I first started.
My forms of sadism are mainly physical, specializing in full toilet training and extreme ballbusting sessions are great examples. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been the one to stop an act of pain in session. Of course, I always play safe and ride the edge of what I think people can take, but, if someone is going to need a break, it’s the recipient, not me. I’ve always been attracted to more extreme forms of play.
Within the realms of me physically hurting others, I have an oddly high tolerance, to put it nicely. In the confines of a trusting, consensual exchange, the other person’s pain doesn’t upset me, it makes me happy. When I’m jumping up and down on a man and knocking the wind out of him over and over and I look down at him as his chest and face are turning deeper and deeper shades of red, I absolutely love it.
I know he’s almost at his breaking point and so I relish those last moments like you do when you’re a kid and you’re watching the last minutes of your favourite show before bed time. It’s only a few minutes but you soak it up.
I know the fun is about to end but it just feels so euphoric to me in the moment. Then I’ll either give him a break or he’ll say his safe word and the spell will break, and we’re back to regular life with regular behaviour. It’s okay but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the boundless, rules-free feeling better.
In these moments, the context matters. He not only consented to this, he sought me out and paid me to do it. He begged me to show him no mercy and as I dance on this man’s chest, full weight to my favourite playlist full blast, laughing in the sunlight, I feel like the smartest person in the world. I feel powerful and like all his pain is directly translating into my real life joy and, yeah, I want to keep having that feeling.
Another example: When I’m performing a full toilet training session, which are controversial to say the least, I can push people far beyond what they are actually capable of. I’ve only had a couple of submissives who could keep up with me in this way. I always honour safewords but I’d be lying if I didn’t delight in the regret I see in people’s eyes sometimes.
In BDSM scenes, I like power imbalance. I like to have fun at the submissive’s direct expense. They want to give and I want to take. I like not having to care, just staring into someone else’s pain like an observer, like a scientist completely removed and impersonal. Like they are a caged rat and I am a dead eyed, desensitized scientist.
It’s fucked up, I know. Welcome to BDSM.
I've learned to harness these feelings and act in ways that are sustainable and consensual for everyone involved but it takes effort. I’ve learned that that those depths are there within me and always will be. I’ve learned to control it, monetize it and accept it about myself, it’s been a whole thing. So when people tell me to be meaner, it’s just such a fucking tease because it’s almost certain that I actually can’t.
Everything I’ve just outlined could come across in many ways - bragging, erotica or a testament to how fucked up I am. Perhaps all are true at once and I’m not here to argue that. I’ve detailed all this to make the point that, my ‘meanness’ is not lacking, it’s in a constant surplus with few who can meet me at my level.
My point is, when (almost always) men ask me to be meaner what they actually want is for me to perform as a Betty Boop style ‘mean’ trope that they’ve witnessed online or conjured up in their minds. It’s purely performative and I know this through experimenting for many, many years and landing here, where I am today.
They want me to deepen my voice my real voice or stomp around or perform some level of aggressive dirty talk. They don’t want me to actually be mean and I know this because I’ve tried it all and I can tell you with certainty: I can’t even be direct without scaring most of them away which I find endlessly hypocritical and tiresome.
The first thing I offer when people ask me to be meaner is something like ballbusting. That generally serves as a reminder to them to mention that they ‘don’t like pain’ and ballbusting is a hard limit.
Alright, cool, process of elimination activated.
So then I’m left with inflicting either psychological or emotional pain. If I start becoming blunt, rude or direct, they often don’t like that either. If they ask be to be brutally verbally degraded I might tell them that the only reason we’re speaking is because they’re paying me or I might mock their kinks for being disgusting or make fun of how they look.
This goes one of two directions generally: They don’t like it and disappear or they, once again, ask that I be meaner. I keep doing that and pretty soon one of us gets bored.
I’ve reacted to these persisting patterns by amending my overall approach. I always start from a playful, conversational place. I test out teasing them or humiliating them verbally in a way that feels real and organic to me. I might ask questions, try out a fun role play version of kink shaming, always keeping in mind that they like verbal humiliation. I try to create rapport before slowly and more authentically weaving it into the dynamic.
This approach will often (you guessed it) illicit that dreaded prompt of “you can be meaner” and we’re back to square one.
It feels like I’m perpetually the big guy at the bar. I’m constantly having smaller men pick a fight with me in a bid to prove themselves. When I do the responsible thing and turn them down or try to diffuse the situation, they mutter “pussy” under their breath and walk away feeling victorious. The petty side of me wants to “win” in this situation but the adult in me knows to just take it on the chin.
Sure buddy, it’s not you, it’s me, it’s always the Domme’s fault. I’ve heard many unsolicited dissertations from my “submissives” pontificating about my real motivations and how I could improve. The take away is generally that this submissive is learned and experienced in the arts of D/s (a doctorate from the university of jerking off to FemDom porn) and I am rife with potential which they will patiently imbue me with.
The fact that this pursuit is entirely subjective is, of course, lost on most.
MILD VERSUS WILD
Truthfully, writing all of this out has made me realize that I simply don’t find verbal humiliation or online domination to be very consequential. Don’t get me wrong, they’re fun, horny little add-ons to more tangible kinks but both (verbal humiliation + online domination) are inherently safe and almost entirely risk free. Therefore, staying within those confines while continuously trying to insist that I turn up the ‘edginess’ for you is something I just don’t get and I, honestly, don’t respect.
Pick a side. You’re either staying safe or taking a risk.
It’s like drinking ginger tea after dinner and expecting me to treat you like you just had a double dose of ayahuasca in the depths of the jungle. Sir, it’s okay to just like some nice tea on a lovely afternoon. Why are you forcing me to pretend like it’s dangerous and wild? Why is the take-away from these types of clients always that I need to amend something about what I’m doing? I accept you for your mild self, why can’t you accept yourself? Your kinks are tame as hell and that’s okay.
I don’t force you into the extreme kinks I like and I don’t even judge you for it! As long as you’re honest and open about what you like, we can probably find common ground, even if it is a bit milquetoast. Sometimes it’s nice to just chill and have safe, silly fun.
What I won’t accept is being blamed for it being lacklustre. Yeah, you’re into risk free, entirely safe kinks - that’s your choice not my failing.
I feel like these types of submissives take away all my fun tools and options then they have a shocked pikachu face when our interactions are undeniably casual, or even downright placid. I think this whole mentality is partially related to how incredibly catered to submissive men are by online Pro Dommes. It’s a service industry after all.
Part of being an online Domme is being financially predatory. This means wink, winking and nudge, nudging your way through and around male fantasies and often their egos as well. There are parts that I enjoy and am comfortable with but this sexist side is entirely unappealing to me.
Listen, I lose money by being like this but it’s a choice I’ve made consciously. If I wanted to, I could try to bend over backwards, contorting myself into each person’s individual, idealized version of a perfectly dominant woman. They would be blissfully unaware and I would be that much richer. That’s (in part) what offering FemDom services is, it’s a job after all.
Ultimately though, this is where the lifestyle Domme in me takes umbrage (and a hit to the wallet) because I find it incredibly anti-feminist to foster this type of behaviour in men. I would love to not care. I would love to just take the money and run, but, it’s not going to happen in this incarnation so here I am.
(QUICK SIDE NOTE: no shade to online Dommes or those who enjoy the things I’m talking shit about here, this is all just my POV)
“You can be meaner” from these folks always makes me think to myself… Buddy, I really, really can’t. I can’t even say things in a direct way without you clutching your pearls and scampering off back to the online world from whence you came. Like many things in this work, there’s a lot of unsolicited mansplaining and bossiness from men being presented as sexual submission or “female worship” and it’s the hardest part of this job.
I’ve spent many years trying to compromise, trying to learn and understand what the real motivation is, trying to see what I was missing. Ultimately, it’s what I suspected the entire time, it’s (generally) men who want the thrill of submission with none of the risks, work or reciprocation.
I’ve done my homework, I’ve experimented, I’ve put in my time and I’m finally comfortable enough to just scare these guys off immediately and be done with it.
There’s a huge portion of the male submissive population who will always default to blaming the Domme, whether it be me or the next one. They will chalk it up to us not being good at (fill in the blank) but I’ve learned that many, many of those people are in fact the ones who are failing at the very thing they spend hours obsessing over. Submission.
They are submissive only to themselves.
With submission, comes acceptance. Accepting that the woman in front of you is fully formed and going from there.
What I Offer + Who I Am
After many years of having men trying to tell me what to wear, what to say and how to act during my sessions, I added ‘behaviour and style requests’ to my list of hard limits. Not only do I insist that every person read this list they also must pay an application fee and pass a test all about that list (among others things) before booking.
I’ll be honest, my vetting process is damn near unhinged at this point and I love it.
I just got so sick of doing sessions with people who didn’t know anything about me and what I offer. I mean they don’t know my name, my preferred titles, where I work, my style, what services I offer or even my hard limits. I got sick of trying to play with men whose default assumption is sex worker = blank space.
They subconsciously see all Dommes as mutable, like blank pages to be filled in by their desires. I was spending my precious time with people who had such wildly incompatible outlooks to my own that I just naturally started getting really picky over the years.
Approval giving and seeking is a huge part of this industry. It is omnipresent on both sides of D/s.
In 2020, during the pandemic I had a huge revelation about myself and my role as a Domme. I realized that I had been experiencing some level of imposter syndrome, that I had been subconsciously trying to conform myself into some ephemeral Dominatrix trope. I was trying to look like and present as someone else and I didn’t even know who I was trying to emulate.
I was just floating around, picking up imagery and ideas and trying to prove myself. There was no clear goal, just the subconscious understanding that it was the opposite of who I actually am.
I had a revelation after being in quarantine for a few weeks. I was thinking about my clients and other Dommes I had gotten to know. I thought about how we all seemed to have this inner turmoil, like we were all striving for something but it was so different for each person. We all seemed to share a sense of longing, we were all seeking some level of accomplishment or validation from this industry, Dommes and subs alike.
I realized that this would be an inescapable cycle for most and I had to make some tough decisions about who I was and who I wanted to become as a Domme. I realized that I could circumvent this pitfall by giving away the acceptance for free but it may be at the risk of my career. For me, it was a very real moral dilemma.
I desperately wanted to keep my job as a Dominatrix and I wanted to keep working for myself but I also didn’t want to gatekeep my acceptance from submissives, from other Dommes or from myself.
If everyone seemingly wants to jump through hoops and pay lots of money for my approval, what happens if I just give it away? I knew it might completely undermine the system if I just led with acceptance and didn’t dangle that carrot anymore but I felt morally compelled to do so. From there I wrote this post and started pouring my heart out, here on my blog, on my podcast and throughout this website. I started being honest about everything I’ve experienced in this industry.
It also had an unintended side effect, I started to really accept a more genuine version of myself in my role as a Domme. I thought about what dominance really meant to me, by myself, without the constraints of other people’s ideas and worked towards that.
No, I don’t fit the mold but I’ve got everything that I need to be a dominant, ironically, being a non-conformist coming out at the top of that list. The packaging may be unexpected but I fully believe in myself as a Domme. I love it and I’ve got a huge spectrum of experiences and interests to draw from. It’s not a performance for me, it’s very real and that’s why when people tell me how to present myself, I often wonder why they’re not asking me for tips? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
But misogyny is a hell of a drug, which leads me to…
SexisM + Anti Sex Work IN FEMDOM
To assume that because I’m a sex worker means that my personality is changeable is inherently demeaning. It unearths an underlying belief that a woman who provides sexual stimulation to men for money is a person who doesn’t have a firm sense of self.
Yup, it is once again time to bust out your pilgrim hats.
The objectification runs so deep, it surpasses physical expectations. Any Domme can tell you that clients often create complex and unrealistic expectations in their minds leading up to sessions. This extends past the activities of the session and into the essence of womanhood itself.
When some men wax poetically about the power of a dominant woman it reminds me of this subreddit, Men Writing Women. It’s a barely veiled script.
My personality and behaviour do not exist for your convenience nor do they require your input or modification. I’m not an amorphous ball of horny, kinky clay that you can mold into your version of a dominant woman or make last minute tweaks to. Very much the opposite actually. The fact that I have ever had to explain this to another adult is wild enough but I have to do this shit on a regular basis.
I’ve only fired one female client for this type of behaviour but it seems to be ever present in the way that men view me. This mentality is so deeply engrained that they seemingly have no ability to perceive it. They will often self report as deferential to women, progressive, open minded and pro feminist. It takes time to unearth but the truth will invariably come out and it often does with that simple directive: “You can be ______.”
Let me state it clearly - you don’t get to tell other adults what to wear, what facial expressions to have, how to act, what to say, how to say it, what tone to say it in or any other variance of weird sex doll level micro management you might be pining for - even if you are paying them for a service. You especially don’t get to do that with a DOMINATRIX. How is that not common sense?
If there were a way for me to eliminate this type of person during my booking process I happily would but, what do I ask? Do you have subconscious, latent, dehumanizing views about women and / or sex workers? Do you understand and consent to the psychological autonomy or others? Are you capable of exhibiting basic human decency and respect? Do you understand that your perspective is not the only one that matters?
Hopefully this blog post helps.
It’s One Dimensional
Dominance is subjective.
For a lot of people, a woman dressed head-to-toe in all black, glaring intensely and wielding a whip as she slinks around in 6 inch, thigh high boots is the absolute height of female dominance. She hisses directions at you and you imagine that the slow sway of her hips is enough feminine energy to totally subsume you.
In this moment, you may envision a woman who is utterly dominant, sexually charged and her prowess is entirely undeniable…. but I don’t.
I often envision catwoman when I visualize this Dominatrix trope that many people seem to tote around in their minds. It’s a stereotype that many people have expected me to conform to over the years so it’s something I’ve thought about often. It doesn’t matter how explicit and redundant I am, when it comes to my style as a Domme, this will always be the default. It’s presented as a great honour that I should be afforded permission to dress and act like someone else apparently.
If I’m being honest, when I see pictures of Michelle Pfeiffer dressed in her iconic, 90’s catwoman costume, I see an underweight actress conforming fully to the male gaze.
I also see her doing her job, a performance.
I see an unbelievably uncomfortable outfit and shoes that I could barely stand in, let alone walk or function in. The bullwhip is theatrical and almost no one in BDSM actually wants to be whipped with one. Most importantly, I look at these pictures and I see a photography session, a sound stage, the lighting, the angles, the costume design, the make up, the …fantasy of it all.
It’s all for fun and I’m not offended by any of it but it just doesn’t hit the same for me as it seemingly does for others. It feels theatrical and over the top. Maybe I’m just too queer or too old to get it and that’s fine. We don’t all like the same things and I guess that’s my main point.
My behaviour, choices, actions, demeanour, wardrobe and tone of voice are not a democracy. They are not up for discussion or negotiation. When you hire me, you hire me as is, you’re hiring me in large part due to my perspective and experience. You either accept me as I am right now or you find someone else.
I’ve learned this boundary in other areas of my life as well.
In my personal life, I’m very non confrontational. I’m introverted, non threatening, sweet and generous. I’ve learned the hard way to save that side of myself only for those I trust. When I’m comfortable with people and truly trust them, I express my love and soft side freely and openly without fear of being taken advantage of or mistreated. To say that my kindness has been mistaken for weakness in the past would be an understatement.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that when people have mistreated me that it’s my fault for some reason or another. The onus always seems to fall on me as the perceived passive person, I brought it on myself, I surely must change.
The thing is, I like who I am. I like being quiet, soft-spoken, kind, polite, introspective and considerate in my vanilla life. These are qualities I admire in others too. I don’t want to be around people who are insensitive, predatory and boundary pushing. I also don’t want to confront them about it, argue with them or ‘teach them a lesson’.
I may play a Mommy in your dreams but I don’t want to manage the emotions and misbehaviour of adults in my real life.
I want to live and let live with kind, peaceful people and if someone mistreats me, I exclude them from my life because they misbehaved. If someone can’t help but take advantage of me because I’m “nice” they are in the wrong and that is very simply a them problem. I don’t need to change myself and toughen up, they need to change and that’s none of my business as long as they do it away from me.
It’s taken me 40 years on this planet to learn this.
Your preferences and associations are entirely separate from who I am. Just because my soft spoken voice doesn’t elicit an immediate submissive erection from you doesn’t mean anything about who I actually am. It doesn’t mean that I need to change or that you are entitled to suggesting amendments to my demeanour.
In this life, I’ve gone through horrible things and I’ve experienced amazing achievements that would likely shock you. One of my proudest accomplishments throughout my life is that I still remain open. I’m open to learning, open to other people’s experiences, feelings and ideas, open to the fact that my perspective is just one among billions and there’s still lots to learn from others, there’s always a new person to become in the years ahead.
It gets harder and harder as we get older and as we have bad experiences but I work hard to stay kind. No one will ever convince me that that’s a personality flaw. It’s my biggest strength and it’s very real strength, not performative, not flashy, it’s not an outfit, a possession or a title, or even something that’s measurable or perceptible from the outside, it’s something I just simply have. Real life, hard earned, old fashioned strength.
It manifests in every single decision I make. If you’re attracted to my vibe, you’re probably picking up on that confidence. It’s hard earned, very real and I’m proud of who I am.
No notes.
Ultimately my biggest flex in this work is my ability to say no to people and behaviour that I don’t prefer. Trying to suggest behaviour modifications to a fully grown woman is so deeply sexist, I simply won’t tolerate it anymore. I’ve been painfully transparent about who I am and what I offer. There’s thousands of hours of video and audio of me available on the internet plus hundreds of hours of reading material about my preferences and perspective.
I’m also one of the few Dommes who doesn’t offer traditional domination and yet I’m constantly getting days, weeks and months into D/s dynamics with clients only for them to reveal this fatal flaw.
I feel like I can barely explain how undermining and deeply disrespectful this behaviour is. It’s like trying to teach a cat how to use a microwave, I don’t know where to start but hopefully this blog post is helpful in illuminating this incessant issue. Now I have something to send to men who invariably say some iteration of “you can be ________”.
For most, it will hurt their feelings and they will disappear and for that, I am grateful.
Throughout this post I’ve been honest about what I like and don’t like, not because that’s the gospel and anyone who doesn’t agree with me is wrong. Very much the opposite. If catwoman is the ultimate turn on for you, hell yeah brother. If verbal humiliation is as far as you want to take your submission, go for it, I love that for you. I am a huge advocate for sexual freedom and exploration, if you couldn’t tell.
I have no issue with the fact that we all like different things, what I do take issue with is the fact I am over here repeatedly, explicitly saying who I am, what I like and what I offer. I am requiring people to pass a test about these aforementioned preferences and I’m still not being listened to.
Again, it’s something I’ve experienced almost exclusively from men my entire life, in and outside of this industry. While I’m almost jealous of their blind confidence and ability to advocate for their every whim and preference unburdened by doubt or self awareness, I’m truly and deeply done with it.
From now on, the moment I even get a whiff of that mentality I’m sending people straight over to this blog post. If you can read this entire post and not run away for fear of dreaded accountability then cheers 🥂 good on ya! If this is all too much for you then go find less.
Thank you for reading!
