Playing With Couples
Read time: 7 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.
My entire history within FemDom has been interwoven with other women. That’s a bit of a low-key flex given that the natural course of this job is one of independence, isolation and patronage from (almost entirely) men. Yup, a Pro Domme can easily go her whole career never, organically, meeting another woman through work.
So let me tell you my little tale…
The year was 2015 and it was the first year I had dared to work, full time, for myself. I had made enough money from selling my panties on Craigslist to quit my construction job and decided to take the brazen leap into some absurd, misshapen form of entrepreneurship. The money from my little furniture business, combined with my fledgling panty sales, was just enough to cover my bills. That was when I officially gave up my steady pay cheque for the wide open (and utterly terrifying) world of freelance.
Crippling anxiety, imposter syndrome and sleepless nights full of exciting ideas aside - it didn’t take long for the loneliness to set in. I had never worked completely by myself before and certainly not in such a secretive, strange industry. I mean, I technically had co-workers. I could see them every day, posting ads alongside mine in the adult section. I could look at their pictures and wonder what they thought about all this. I could wonder how much they made, how they got started, what they told their families and how their day went but they seemingly only existed behind my computer screen. Like me now, I guess.
I filled the new silence of my days with audio books about business basics. The books spoke of being bold, getting what you need and stepping outside of the box. Plus, the isolation finally wore me down so I decided to do something I hadn’t seen anyone else do: I posted an ad looking for a panty selling partner.
I’ll be honest, I felt like a weirdo and I worried that no one would respond - or worse - I would get nasty responses, slashing me back into the imaginary place I belonged in the dark. I assured myself that the ad only cost me $3 and a possible hit to the ego, so I placed my little ad, walked the whole 10 feet from my new ‘work’ (the chair by my living room window) to bed and tucked myself in for the night, knowing that (at least) I had tried.
I woke up the next day to something I will never forget, something that would shape my career from that day forward. My inbox was full of responses, even resumes, from women looking to team up with me. They were pitching why they would be a good panty selling partner - a term that didn’t even exist until I had thrown it out there. That’s when I realized that I was far from alone and I never looked back. I never let my peers live behind a computer screen or in some imaginary place in my mind ever again. I learned to make the first move, to ask for what I want, to be open, honest and generous with women who were on the same path as me.
Since then, I’ve always had a business bud to work, learn and grow with. I developed to a point where I could collaborate with other Pro Dommes and have since experienced hundreds of hours working with some of Canada’s best and most respected Dominatrices. I’ve mentored and been mentored, I’ve created complex, group scenes, I’ve connected providers to each other and I’ve met amazing women along the way. I’ve learned about how women create a Domme persona and how they relate to each other inside and outside of their BDSM scenes.
Through my work, I also discovered more about my own sexuality and realized that I’m not only a professional Domme, I also love dominating in my personal life too. This is a revelation afforded to me by this work and what I’ve learned from fellow female dominants and lovely male submissives along the way. My life partner is a male submissive who I met through my work. Here’s a post on substack about how I met him and how we fell in love.
Ultimately though, my greatest offering to women is that I’m an open book and a GIANT nerd for my job. I positively delight in sharing my time, knowledge and energy with people, it makes me high on life. Sex positivity is very personal and important to me, it’s something I think is incredibly vulnerable and liberating, inside and outside of the bedroom. My particular focus being female domination and male submission. I count my lucky stars every day that I get to offer acceptance, confidence and a sense of belonging to others.
As the lady who could barely sleep in 2015, wondering who the fuck I thought I was, rest assured, I haven’t forgotten a minute of my journey here. I’ll certainly never forget the people who were nice enough to alleviate my self-doubt along the way. Extending the same kindness to fellow explorers is truly my greatest joy and a natural extension of everything I’ve learned.
Offering a welcoming environment to people is also a bit of a full circle experience for me because my approachability was something I really struggled with when I first started in FemDom. I felt that it needed to be hidden or eliminated entirely so getting to this point of self acceptance is just really cool. There is a misconception that being welcoming is antithetical to being dominant, but that’s simply not true. You can be yourself and be dominant. No acting, costumes or theatre required and I love helping women find their way with a sense of humour in an open, welcoming environment.
Although female domination and male submission are my main focus, I also love: Coaching men how to dominate their female partners, women how to dominate their female partners and so on and so forth. Mix and match genitals at your own discretion.
Playing with couples is also a very redemptive process for me. I’ve spent years listening to men talk about their secret kinks, things that they told me they would never share with their partners. I’ve heard “wow, I wish my girlfriend would be more like you” far too many times. It’s meant as a compliment but my soul shrivels at those words each time. Sometimes I feel like screaming “then why don’t you freaking ask her?!”
As much as it’s none of my business, I’ve always encouraged men to talk to their partners about their kinks. Yes, I know, male submission is legitimately taboo af right now. Yes, you could get rejected, you could lose that relationship, I’m well aware of these risks and I have so much empathy for you but I think you should do it anyways. Being honest and vulnerable is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do as human beings but that’s why I think it’s so important. A phrase I was raised on: “Bravery is not a lack of fear, it’s being afraid and doing it anyways”. Words to live by.
So! If you’re a submissive man looking to talk to your partner about FemDom, perhaps start by sending her this blog post and get the ball rolling. If you’re a woman looking to learn some domination skills or to just talk with someone who has lots of experience, I’m your girl. If you’re lesbionic and want to set my heart aflutter then bring your gay ass(es) in for a chat or play time. All my sessions are fun and chill and straight forward.
I love offering an alternative to couples in Toronto looking for BDSM lessons. My approach is less teacher / student and more of an AMA vibe. I’m certainly not an expert in everything but I’m honest and accommodating and I just adore chatting. I love getting people comfortable and then exploring whatever interests that person / those people. That could entail just sitting and talking, walking through demos, indulging in play time or any combination of those things. I offer a reduced rate for these types of dates, called “Meet & Greets”, available on my booking page here.
Ultimately, so many men and women love being sexually submissive. It’s a person thing, unrelated to gender. People who are dominant in their real lives, generally, enjoy giving up control in their sex lives, it’s just that simple. It says nothing about who they are as people, it’s just fun, sexy, good times, a preference like any other and it’s incredibly common. Plus, male submission is heavily and openly shamed by many people right now - including women. Learning how to be open, accepting and how to communicate freely is a great skill for everyone to develop and it’s truly not as hard as it seems, especially if you approach it with acceptance, a sense of humour and the goal of having fun!
Booking a couple’s session with a Pro Domme is a great birthday or Valentine’s Day gift! Keep me in mind and check out these other, related posts in the meantime …
Every Day is Taco Tuesday (link redirects to substack.com) - audio and written post.
My First Female Submissive on Bastienne’s BDSM Blog (Bastienne.ca)
Thanks for reading! :)
