The Control Freak Whisperer
Read time: 7 minutes.
Well, the title pretty much sums it up. I’d say my main specialty is working with people who are stuck in their heads. This manifests as over intellectualization, self consciousness, controlling behaviour and anxiety.
People often end up seeking out experiences within BDSM while simultaneously being perplexed by their own motivations. Well, after years of experience, I feel like I finally have an answer for these folks. The majority just want an escape from the feeling of being stuck in their own heads and they search for an experience that will force them out of this pattern.
I’ve written tons about my approach to BDSM here on this blog and I’ve recorded hundreds of hours about this for my podcast but, I figured it would be nice to create a summary of my methods here as a quick reference for those seeking a compatible Dominatrix here in Toronto.
Grounded Theory
In my work, this means that I do not make theories or decisions prior to having interacted with the subby in question. This includes even potentially disregarding how they self describe. Actions speak louder than words so I like to chat with people and lightly play before making any decisions or creating any theories about them. This is antithetical to how many people view a Dominant within BDSM and that’s why I want to state it clearly here.
I have found very little success in ‘forcing’ people into some rigid expectations, whether it be mine or theirs. I have learned the boundaries of what I am comfortable offering but beyond those limits, I have had great success just staying open to each person that stands before me. I learn new things and have to offer flexibility, which I enjoy. This sparks creativity, offers me novelty in my work and yields wonderful results for those learning more about their submissive side.
So an example would be: A subby reaches out describing themselves as intermediate in experience, not masochistic, interested in bondage, facesitting and foot worship. Upon meeting them, asking questions and playing, we gain insights and can amend their self description going forward. They actually have a slight fear of bondage which hinders their ability to enjoy their play time and they don’t want to work on currently. They have masochistic tendencies that were misidentified due to ideas about pain versus worship. They enjoy reward based punishments or trials such as enduring X amount of light CBT to earn X amount of foot worship.
This process happens quickly, in the moment and it is almost entirely interpretive. It’s a combination of body language, reactions and answering certain questions before and after play. Although I do see many patterns within the desires and behaviour of my subbies, I never assume. I watch, collect information, ask questions and create scenes that work for them individually. For me, this method works so much better than attempting to conform someone into a scene I’ve created beforehand.
In my experience, the idea of ‘forcing’ someone into something is entirely fantasy. In real life, I lull, entice and guide. The key to great BDSM is consent so that’s the cornerstone of my behaviour in each scene.
Yogic
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times: Everything I’ve learned about submission, I’ve learned through yoga. My teaching, or guiding method, as a Domme is almost entirely formed by my experience as a yogi.
The yoga that I enjoy is very self led. The teachers will repeat things like, “this is your body, this is your practice, my words are merely a guide”. They slowly but persistently imbue you with confidence in your own bodily autonomy. To me this method is the most effective way to get results, especially if you’re working with people who struggle with control issues, which I often am.
A yoga studio is often a liminal space, void of expectation and judgement, it is intentionally blank, save for a foundation of acceptance and gratitude that is built through the words of the teachers. “Thank yourself for showing up to your practice today, thank your body for what it is able to do, thank the person on the mat next to you for sharing their energy and presence”. They teach you to use neutral language when describing the different sides of your body, the different results and feelings you experience. Qualitative words like ‘better’ are discouraged, instead opting to describe things as ‘different’.
It may seem sappy and over-the-top woo-woo at first but it works and, to me, efficacy reigns supreme. It is from this place of acceptance and stillness that we can begin to build something amazing. The truth is, we don’t keep showing up to places if we don’t feel welcome. Simply showing up is often the hardest part of any endeavour so that’s a huge element that I focus on. Whether it’s my behaviour or the space I work from, I like providing a warm, calming environment that is pleasant to remember and makes you feel that you are always welcome to return.
Positive Reinforcement
As my grandmother used to say: You catch more flies with honey than you do with shit.
Truthfully, no one likes being criticized, even those who are eroticizing the idea of it. Judgement and punishment in BDSM are more theatrical and tongue-in-cheek for me. For example, if someone forgets to take their socks off before their session, I may jokingly threaten to spank them because of their bad behaviour. It’s all very lighthearted and playful, and comes from a place of acceptance.
In my experience, this creates a fun, relaxed environment where people feel more comfortable being vulnerable. This comfort actually leads to more submission, maybe even to some masochism. To get control, I give control. To invoke masochism, I give kindness. It’s counterintuitive but it works.
Oh Body, Where Art Thou?
For me, yoga gave me a relationship with my body that I had never experienced before. Like me, most people who are ‘stuck in their heads’ end up viewing their body as a glorified transportation device for their omnipresent brains. Yoga and BDSM both seem to provide a space where the body is the intuitive star of the show. This is why I’m attracted to play that is tactile and physical.
When I offer sessions, I look forward to this familiar practice of being in my body again. I need things like this to keep me grounded and I know many of my subbies feel the same way. In this vein, it’s a truly symbiotic exchange.
People often mistake masochism for extreme acts of perplexing deviousness. Masochism, in my experience, is a way of being forced into your body. It often attracts people who are over-thinkers. The pain doesn’t have to be severe, in fact, the pain is generally a means to an end. Excitement, a little bit of fear and, of course, an offering of vulnerability to the person implementing it. It’s like riding a roller coaster, getting a tattoo or trying an extreme hot sauce. It’s an experience that takes people out of their heads and into their bodies, usually in very mild forms.
Conversational
My domination style is very casual and conversational. I almost always sit and chat with people prior to playing and I often tell people to just act normal and be themselves during play. There’s no need for acting or role play, those things often evolve naturally once you feel comfortable and familiar with what’s happening and sometimes they don’t happen at all. This is where just staying open and feeling things out comes in handy.
I guide the session because that’s my role but most of the flow is a collaborative effort, just like a conversation. There is no rigid planning or organization that works within a conversation, there are just general topics to explore and the ability to improvise and contribute where appropriate. I like creating a space where people can be creative and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
Rituals of Control
Have you ever watched Forensic Files? I have. Actually, I’ve watched hundreds and hundreds of episodes and the reason for this - I’ve realized - is because of it’s familiar formula. Many of us have low-brow, guilty pleasure playlists or shows we put on in the background because the familiarity is simply comforting.
I like creating little rituals with my subbies as we get to know each other. Like a restaurant, one of the main things I offer is consistency. This provides safety in a world that feels unsafe, it makes certain acts that were once uncomfortable and unknown feel familiar and pleasant. Being tied up the first time might be anxiety inducing but with assurance and a respectful guide, it can quickly become associated with the feeling of letting go. Enjoying a glass of wine during aftercare while chatting about the session can become a familiar, comforting routine.
The creation of these patterns together, slowly creates a foundation where new experiences can slowly be introduced. Most people want a little bit of novelty sprinkled in at a reasonable, consensual pace. Creating rituals together inspires more curiosity and creativity for subbies, in my experience. By establishing familiarity through repetition, a sense of control is established and from there most subbies naturally start exploring.
Dehumanization & Objectification
In line with everything I’ve stated so far, I tend to attract people who are ‘stuck in their heads’. This can manifest as a body versus brain issue or a feeling of being stuck in a rigid identity. For most of the subbies I attract this is the feeling of always having to be in charge, dominant and responsible in their day-to-day lives. The desire to escape this pattern can often manifest in the desire to be consensually diminished. This is a theme that runs through most of my work and one that I totally understand and enjoy.
Dehumanization and objectification kinks manifest in many different ways but they all provide an escape from something. The feeling of being reduced or used is a way for people to simplify their world. It is a way of escaping an overthinking mind and a life that can be complex, confusing and feel out of control. These themes run through my work and provide cross over into the kinks that I enjoy myself.
In real life, like in this post, I honour the complexity of each person. I put a lot of energy into understanding and accepting each person for who they truly are. It’s a trait that people like about me but it can also be quite tiring on my end. That’s why in my sex life, there is nothing more cathartic than throwing all of that to the side and treating someone as a one-dimensional object. Again, it’s symbiotic. They want to be objectified and I want to objectify them. It works out perfectly and that’s why I claim dehumanization kinks as an over arching specialty of mine.
Summary & Resources
I hope this post helps illuminate what to expect from a session with me. Basically, my style is casual, self led, lighthearted and based on a foundation of acceptance and consent. I think my work can be quite therapeutic if you know what to expect. If you’d like more content like this, check out “The Trust & Thrust Podcast” on substack. There you will find over 100 episodes in the archive all about FemDom theory, my experiences, revelations and such. Also check out submissiveguide.com and their Patreon page for more insights into exploring submission in a safe way. Morgan Thorne, an established Toronto Dominatrix, has an insightful YouTube page full of free tutorials as well.
Thanks for reading! :)