Adopt, Don’t Shop

Read time: 7 minutes.

What the hell do adopted pets have to do with a BDSM blog? Well, you can always trust me to relate EVERYTHING back to BDSM. In the past, I’ve been tempted to promote charities or causes I believe in through my platforms but I usually resist. I don’t love mixing politics, world events or beliefs heavily with my work. I might reference things here briefly or in more detail on my podcast if I think they’re relevant to my audience or relate in some way to the exploration of BDSM but that’s generally the extent of it.

Everyone has a vanilla life with charities they support, political leanings, opinions and all that boring adult stuff. I like to keep my little corner of the internet focused on the task at hand which, for me, is usually concerning FemDom things, power exchange and self exploration through BDSM experiences. I don’t, generally, see anything outside of those subjects as my expertise or business usually, but, adopting shelter pets actually relates. Let me tell you how…

Last Pick

I think everyone who has a ‘non conventional’ sexuality can relate to this phrase. It’s a right of passage for all of us, the journey from feeling sexual shame to feeling sexual acceptance. The feeling of being flawed, fucked up, freakish, used goods or unwanted are familiar themes that I see in my work, both the fantasy and reality sides. Over time, this feeling of shame can leak outside of our sexuality, into our sense of self and become debilitating.

Something magical happens when you find another ‘broken toy’, for most of us, that’s the kink community in some variation. Acceptance, validation and understanding are what we want. This is true for us in the same way it is for pets that end up in shelters. They have a background, a story, experiences, a set of preferences and fears. They aren’t new and shiny, not at first glance. It takes an open and empathetic eye to see the beauty there but once you do… oh boy, do they glitter.

Similar to the experience I’ve had in BDSM, the weirdest people often end up being the best. Once you go weird, you never go… beard? That doesn’t make any sense but you get my point. None of us, particularly in BDSM, will ever be the beautiful, blue eyed siamese kitten with a waitlist, twenty deep, of rich folks waiting to pay a couple grand for the privilege of her presence. We will however be the old, adorably wonky-eyed dog with scruffy fur, a smooshed nose, three teeth and the ability to make stranger’s instantly smile by its sheer absurdity and that’s fucking awesome.

Patience & Trust

Hmm, interesting that the exact skills it takes to rehabilitate a pet are the same ones you learn in power exchange. It’s almost as if there’s a common thread here between all of us. Feeling comfortable, accepted and safe seem to be very valuable things in this world. I mean, I personally really like them. Learning to slow down, be grateful and learn to work in tandem to get what we all want is essential in building confidence and feeling safe in the world, whatever species you are.

With each relationship, whether it be friendship, romantic, familial or one with a pet, we are forced into openness. We must accept a completely and utterly separate being that walks around with part of our heart in them. We’ve got to accept them totally for who they are and be changed permanently by our love for them. It’s just as horrifying as it is utterly enriching and meaningful. It is the heart of darkness when it comes to power exchange.

I’ve talked about developing patience and trust in power exchange before. I feel like we first practice with others so that we can ultimately offer it to ourselves. Any relationship is practice in that larger process.

Explore Outside of Yourself

Professional BDSM is a self analytical tool for (almost exclusively) rich people. While fascinating, it’s a lot of me-me-me time. Take it from the lady who pontificates about herself professionally: Everything in moder-fucking-ation. Sometimes it’s great to be self aware and self focused and other times it dips into self consciousness, indulgence, self centred-ness, neuroticism and might lead to anxiety and depression.

It’s a well known mental health tool to focus outside of yourself to relieve symptoms of mental health issues. Nothing will do that like adopting a pet who requires extra time, patience and attention. It forces you to be present and creates an inner world of attentiveness and generosity which - lo and behold! - You get to exist within as well. It’s like an in-built karma system.

Once you routinely extend patience and acceptance to others, sometimes it’s simply easier to extend that perspective to yourself too.

Skillz

Just like people collecting experiences in BDSM, you collect skills in pet ownership, particularly caring for high needs ones. Starting out with low maintenance pets makes sense and then, as you gain experience, you can take on higher maintenance ones. In total, I have five veterinarians in my family so I’ve been non-consensually learning about animals my whole life. Within the last ten years or so I’ve started putting real effort into pet ownership though. That is a nice way of saying I’ve become a crazy cat / dog / rabbit lady.

The skills do accumulate though, just like any other hobby, and benchmarks are randomly hit. I remember boarding a small dog who had never been to a dog park and cowered in fear in between my legs on our first visit. After a few days of her hanging out with my (overly) confident dog, I’ll never forget her blissfully running, full speed, with a pack of, at least, ten other dogs of all sizes. They were galloping in huge circles together, the little dog leading the charge, full tilt. It was utterly euphoric to witness.

Fostering independence, confidence and freedom where there once was only fear is a practice that extends from my work in BDSM to my personal life with traumatized animals. Places like the Humane Society are very helpful but they are, rightfully, very particular. If you contact them with humility and honesty about your experience level, accommodations and budget, they will likely help connect you with an appropriate pet.

Just like in BDSM, many cogs need to align to make the machine work and there’s some negotiation, advocacy, potential rejection and patience involved in the process.

The Reward

In sexuality, vanilla sex and vanilla interactions were fun while they lasted for me. Getting the sexual validation of a conventionally attractive person always feels nice, but, the effects are never that long lasting or deep, at least, for me. In BDSM, I find a depth of connection unavailable elsewhere and I think, oddly enough, it’s because of the shame involved.

Feeling rejected enlightens you to the feeling of vulnerability and what you do with that feeling is up to you. It can shut you down or it can open you up. I feel most powerful when I take something bad and turn it into something good. It makes me feel strong, confident and, weirdly enough, dominant. Like life can fuck with me but, I’ll fuck back.

The connection you have with a person or pet who has a past, maybe even trust issues, is a deep one. It’s well worth the extra steps and the extra time. To me, it’s a relationship built on real respect and trust. I’m not here because you're new and cute, I’m here because I genuinely think we can help each other.

I’ve recently adopted a seven year old, former puppy mill mom. She spent her first seven years in a crate, being repeatedly impregnated and then having her puppies taken away. Now she’s with me, officially retired. She’s sleeping on my lap as I type this and her biggest concern for the day ahead is whether she wants salmon or chicken breast for lunch. She’s also got some butterflies to chase in the backyard which she can pick at later after a nap.

If that isn’t power and influence, I don’t know what is.

I was very sad about her story at first but now that I’ve got her, I’m just, simply elated. Just like in my work, I can’t control what other people do, I can only be a force for what I think is good. My work has taught me to just go ahead and ask for what I want and, as per the usual, it feels amazing.

If you want to adopt and if you have some experience with pets, I highly suggest researching local shelters, reaching out and asking about their senior pets, the one's who have been there the longest and the one’s who are on sale because of it. It might seem overwhelming at first but trust me, it’s not. In the same way that people make assumptions about folks in BDSM, they’re wrong. We’re fun, lovely, accepting people with tons to offer, just like the pets at the animal shelter.

I’ve had pets of all sorts my entire life and the ‘leftover’ ones are always the best. They’re not depressed about their lives, they are quirky, interesting, unpredictable and nuanced. They’re survivors, they are full of life, full of character and each of them has something amazing to offer but only to those who can see a little past the surface. Perhaps you can see yourself in them and find a kindred spirit. I promise you, there is an extra special prize for those who are strong enough to look on the bottom shelf :)