Interception: Kindness & Kink

When we explore BDSM, we are often exploring our dark side. We are looking at parts of ourselves that are otherwise entirely unacceptable in the real world. Feelings of shame, humiliation, unworthiness, narcissism, hubris and conceit. We dip in and pray that we can come out whole, that we can leave the experience fully intact, perhaps like it never even happened at all. 

The truth, if we are being honest with ourselves, is that some of these experiences affect us inside and outside of our sexuality. Whether they are negative or positive is entirely in the eye of the beholder. I am endlessly fascinated by our ability to manage this pain, to accept our shame as a fact and to master the craft of control over it. 

I love that Nietzsche quote, “if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Well, I guess that I’ve become quite the little, abyss-gazer over the years and I will say, it’s more cathartic than it would appear - if - you know how to navigate the demons. The demons, of course, being our own thoughts, feelings and fears.

Not everyone shares this perspective, the whole thing is entirely subjective, very personal and it seems that it is almost entirely self-led. This takes us to the subject of this post, my little kitten and fellow kinky explorer, Aria of Flowers. I’ve written a post about her on my website here, she was my first-ever female subby.

Her journey through BDSM has turned into one that I very much relate to. It’s become a tool of self-reflection for her and I’ve been amazed at her ability to take something new from each and every session that we’ve done.

In the post titled “Thoughts of Violation” on Aria’s website, she talks about beginning BDSM with the subconscious goal of being abused. Like many of us, myself included, BDSM can easily be misinterpreted, at first. The journey back and forth between fantasy and reality is often something that takes a few years to adeptly navigate. Boundaries become clearer and clearer as experiences are collected.

As I’ve evolved as a Domme, nothing gives me more pleasure than protecting amazing people from themselves, redirecting them into what BDSM truly is: Self-acceptance. Sometimes the most powerful and important tool that a dominant has, is the ability to not abuse someone. I’ve learned that the vast majority of my job is to set and maintain healthy boundaries for myself and for my subbies. My job is not to gaze into the abyss with you, it’s to be the person who guides you back out once you’ve seen enough. I didn’t always know this so this post on Aria’s site is very meaningful to me. 

In her post she says that she feels like she has somehow stumbled into the vicinity of recovery from years of self loathing. In her post, Aria says:

“Part of me had become convinced that I want, or maybe deserve, to be treated abusively, and I gravitated to BDSM as a way to approximate that treatment. I approached BDSM seeking a certain kind of catharsis. I think I wanted a specific sort of validation of my own self-hatred.”

Aria chose to visit me for her first BDSM experience and this is what she took away from her first, live session:

“I was almost a little disappointed when my first BDSM session ended with me simply feeling like I had fun and feeling good about myself. These warm feelings helped me figure out how to reconcile my thoughts of violation with a positive view of myself. But it didn't feel like a harrowing replication of a traumatizing experience. It felt like play. It was sometimes painful and intense, but it was play. 

“If you've ever owned two or more pet cats, you might have seen them ‘play-fight’. They'll roll around, scratching and biting and getting on top of each other, but they don't go hard enough to cause serious injuries. Their play includes elements like pain, struggle, and resistance. And if we're comfortable with each other, and we trust each other, these can be part of our play too.”

Disappointing people with basic empathy is an unlikely prize that I’ve learned to hold in the highest regard. I know now that soon after the disappointment fades, a new door becomes accessible, the real joy of consensual BDSM. Now we can truly get down to the business at hand: Fun, kinky, warm and fuzzy, weirdo, play time!

I love this quote from Aria’s post:

“My goal shouldn't be to bring my miserable thoughts to life as accurately and miserably as possible. It should be to reshape them into positive experiences through play. I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting to be on the bottom of the hierarchy, but I can establish that hierarchy without the help of self-loathing, and let it crumble when I'm satisfied.

“I feel better than I've ever felt before about my sexuality. So I think I understand my path forward. I'll be true to my feelings in play, and have as much fun with it as possible. And I won't try to recreate feelings of violation. I'll remake them into something wonderful. Their place in my life isn't to be purged, but to be repurposed. That's all.”

Reading those words is like winning gold at the Kinky Olympics to me.

I’ve always wanted to be an authentic, genuine Domme. I’ve wanted to earn my title in the most meaningful way I could manage. I’ve wanted to become a person actually worthy of power, not because of how I look but because of who I am and what I offer to others. I’ve discovered that the only way out of shame is through it and I am most powerful when I am simply the witness of this journey to others. Just a hand to hold in the dark.

After all my misguided efforts and so many mistakes along the way, I’ve finally found my power and it’s so deceptively simple. I offer acceptance. After all the details are stripped away, it’s nothing I could’ve ever guessed when I started down this path, seven years ago. It doesn’t cost thousands of dollars, it’s not something you can learn in a class, it’s not a big dungeon, the feature on a website or some pat on the back from a BDSM celebrity. It’s just simple and free and it’s been here all along. I offer acceptance and it’s truly my life’s joy.

Everything in BDSM is a power exchange, 100%, equal, back and forth, wherever you are in the D/s dynamic, whether you realize it or not. The more power you can give, the more you receive in return, it’s a beautiful, self-stabilizing system with tons of potential for growth. 

Thank you to Aria and every other subby who has opened up to me and let me see who you really are. In each of you, I could see myself, over and over and over and over until I finally found a sense of belonging in my own humanity. I could finally see the bigger pattern, one of acceptance that now runs beyond my cup and into yours. Thanks to every person who has shown me acceptance along the way, in each of my various forms. You’ve guided me here and I can only hope to do the same for you.

Hope you liked this - thanks for reading! If you liked this post, you should consider subscribing to my private, audio newsletter on substack, available here.

Please check out Aria’s monologue “Thoughts of Violation and, while you’re there, peak around the rest of her site too. It’s almost as cute as she is!

xo Bastienne ;)