Read time: 13 minutes.

A few years ago, if you described me as a "Soft Domme", I would have bristled with indignation. Well, would you look at me now? Look ma - no scowl! In this post I'm going to detail how I went from being a feared and revered, extreme CBT focused Dominatrix, known for my hardcore ballbusting clips, to now, proudly identifying as a Soft Domme. Whether you're a submissive or fellow Domme, I hope you can take something new and inspiring from my story.

It's been a long journey full of highs, lows, lessons, self-reflection and a lot of amazing experiences. If you've been following my career over the last few years from afar, from up-close, or if I'm brand new to you all the same, I present you with my FemDom cheat-sheet, the main things I've learned about this industry and where I belong in it. This is the story of how I found my place in "Soft FemDom". 

Well, let's start from the beginning with Baby Domme Bastienne. Bright eyed and bossy tailed, I entered into FemDom by way of fetish and kink, an inherently softer and more vanilla leaning group of services. Professional panty slinging was exhilarating, and sex work was entirely new to me in 2014. My used panty clips brought out a new exhibitionism in me that I had never experienced before and the in-person kink and fetish requests became an exciting new indulgence.

The connections that I made were real and the work was insanely fun compared to my experiences working regular jobs. Being a closeted, lifestyle kinkster my entire adult life, I knew I had finally found an outlet for my endless sex drive and perverted sensibilities.

I began working for myself, funding my life with my exciting explorations. I quickly and organically veered into FemDom and immediately knew that I had found my place. It was so natural, exciting and easily accessible to me, I knew that I could face the looming years of learning and hard work with resolve. I had found something endlessly interesting, reliably exciting, and entirely worth working towards. I put my head down and started working, slowly becoming Bastienne.

As I rose through the ranks of the Toronto FemDom scene, I was elated to find myself respected and (dare I say) equal to some of my Dominatrix mentors. My hard work and dedication was paying off and I would try to keep my cool with each new step up the ladder. It was wildly exhilarating and deeply validating to be accepted in a career I so passionately cared about.

I have since had the privilege of working out of every high-end dungeon in Toronto, experiencing hundreds of scenes with some of my BDSM mentors, esteemed Pro Dommes, group scenes and experienced submissives alike. With my new found confidence, I created a successful clip store, showcasing my skills in session to an international audience. The feedback was intoxicating: I had a little fan-base out there and they cheered me and my ego on at every step. 

Well, Baby Bastienne's little eyes were twinkling with pride, her ego was at full mast, waving proudly in the face of anyone interested in looking. "Look what I can do! Look what I can do!" But once the natural high of acceptance wore off, parts of the landscape started to come into focus for me, things that weren't so pretty in the stark light of day. The realization was slow but unavoidable, the FemDom industry had its fair share of questionable people with questionable motives, a reality I just wasn't prepared for.

The recent saturation of the FinDom (financial domination) niche on social media is a perfect example. Women with no experience or interest in learning about the basics of safe BDSM play, proclaiming to be a peer of mine, a fellow, seemingly overnight success, a fellow "Professional" Dominatrix. I had to confront the fact that these flexible barriers to entry were both the reason for my success and the reason I should question it's validity.

The list goes on: unsafe players, cash grabbers and scammers. I've witnessed a brand new, baby Domme start offering "Pro Domme Tips" after two weeks of work. Yes, two very informative weeks, apparently. That was when I realized that common sense wasn't so common. I started sympathizing with those reluctant clients who spoke of bad experiences with other providers but mostly, I was simply left counting my lucky stars for the experienced mentors that I had access to.

The women who so generously offered a positive counterpoint, a lighthouse on a dark night. I was bumping elbows with all of these people, sharing the same title in an endless, homogeneous sea of claims - and that wasn't even the scariest part. In the Wild West of FemDom we can be whoever we want to be, and when I looked around in the sober light of day at the darker sides of my industry, I not only saw deep flaws, I saw myself.

This is the part of the story where Baby Bastienne turns into Grown Ass Lady Bastienne. About time, right? I took what I had experienced and did what any self respecting introvert does: I parked myself in front of a window for a few months and sorted myself out. I came out with a few, important revelations. Much like this blog post, I started from the beginning, I striped away the layers and journeyed back to where I had started. I wondered how I found myself so far from my original intention.

I sifted through the voices of my amazing FemDom mentors, traversing alone now, wearing the strengths and wisdom of each as I began my audit. I found that the bull headed ambition I had started my career with had a new level, a foundation of quiet confidence, a deep understanding only years of experience could provide. I started anew, in lock-down for weeks, just me, my memories and the oak tree outside my window.

One of the first things I noticed was the uncharacteristically narcissistic patterns I had unconsciously slipped into. Things like obsessively frequenting my Twitter notifications, shamelessly filling my phone with selfies, coveting my precious social media likes, and referring to my interactions as "branding".

Given a mini slice of power and success, good ol' Bastienne had fallen into one of the most human of pitfalls: Pride. But hey, it's all okay because, self-promotion, right? Well, technically, yes, but ultimately, NO. Welcome to the slippery, un-moderated, fantastical slope, the Wild West known as FemDom! And here's my first takeaway:

TAKEAWAY #1: FEMDOM DOES NOT = NARCISSISM.

​Despite what a cursory glance around my industry might convey, it's not okay to be a narcissist. Sparkly and exciting at first, it ends up being a whole lot of No Fun, real quick. The recent lockdown gave me lots of time to think and I ended up reaching back into my memories and accessing my original attraction to FemDom.

I loved the complexity and individuality of each person's kinks, the intimacy and freedom from shame, the psychology and connection, the sexual validation, the creativity, the good-old-fashioned thrills! You may ask: "Hey Grown Ass Lady Bastienne, what does that have to do with you spending hours of your week taking selfies? Expending endless energy on turning your personality into a 'brand' and indulging yourself in delusions of grandeur?" And I would answer: "Nothing, good Sir or Madam. Not a goddamn thing".

The truth is that my actual job is to keep you safe, make you feel excited, push your boundaries and give you an amazing experience. It's entirely unrelated to positioning myself as a model, actress or public figure. Yes, I need a few good pictures for my website and social media so you know whether you're attracted to me or not. And yeah, I need to take care of myself and be presentable but, the selfie-taking, masturbatory, millennial culture didn't sit right with me. I'm a middle aged lady, for god's sake! What was I doing with my time and energy.

When I really thought about it, most of my Domme mentors had intuitively dodged this bullet, predominantly posting pictures of their work, not themselves. Not all, but many were even a bit self conscious and naturally shied away from social media, doing it more as a necessary evil then a hobby. This illuminated an ugly part of myself that sorely needed adjustment.

It all just started to feel unhealthy and I didn't like the message I was sending to subs, "only masochists are fun" or to other women, "Look at my body, look at all my amazing sessions" etc. It sets up a strange, anti-human fantasy world that gets blurry for all involved over time. I started craving real, human, private experiences, undocumented and outside of incessant promotion.

So, I put the selfie stick down and I re-calibrated my efforts back to the human being standing (or kneeling) in front of me. Fuck the session selfie, let's have real fun, right here, right now. Let me lend my brain entirely to you, every ounce of my energy focused on what we're creating in this moment, not about the supposed, ultimate pleasure of being around a somewhat symmetrical person?

No one will ever know about it, it's our little secret and that's fucking amazing. You're not an accessory to my ego when you see me, you're not a photo-op, a conquest, a narcissistic source to be fed upon, You're the person who enables me to work for myself, to live an amazing, creative life, you're the person I get to have fun with and when you're with me, you're all I'm thinking about.
​

TAKEAWAY #2: ALL SUBS ARE GOOD SUBS.

The credit for any extreme act goes entirely to the submissive. I'm tired of claiming their abilities to be the result of my 'magical prowess' and having perfectly lovely subs apologize for their low pain tolerance. The credit is theirs and theirs alone for everything they achieve in my company. At it's core, we are exchanging power, equally, back and forth, as a team. It's as much of an effort to offer submission as it is to skillfully dominate.

These are fully symbiotic, fully codependent endeavors and anything outside of that is either incompetence, abuse or theater. We are exchanging feelings. I am making you feel submissive and you are making me feel like I'm in control despite the reality that we are both equal. We are playing, creating, and fantasizing in tandem. This happens quietly, inside of each person and is often not remarkable or easily perceptible from the outside. 

Each exchange, each internal shift is just as valid and real as watching an experienced masochist take a swift kick to the nuts in a ballbusting clip. One act is mainly for the audience to enjoy and the other is for the people in that moment to enjoy, privately. That's the only difference and the reason I offer a discount for sessions being filmed. Having a private, intimate, internal moment with me is more valuable then a theatrical version of the same thing and that's reflected in my rates for each.

Power exchange is subtle and personal and different for each person, that's precisely what I like about it, not something you need to apologize for. I've seen the best and the worst, I've been on the inside and outside of the BDSM scene. At the end of the day, my loyalty lies not with the loud and proud, not with those who hold the rings for us to jump through. My loyalty lies with the sincere, earnest, quiet explorer, the curious and self aware. Dominant or submissive alike, allow me to set my ring down and fling the imaginary gates open and welcome you, exactly as you are.
​

TAKEAWAY #3: COMFORT FIRST, PUSH SECOND.

​Being hesitant, having boundaries, wanting trust and needing safety from your dominant are all excellent criteria to have. These are green flags, qualifiers that make you a good submissive, not feelings that you need to be ashamed of or apologize for. You should feel nervous, you should require safe practices, you should seek trust and this is precisely where Grown Ass Lady Bastienne becomes Soft Domme Bastienne.

Let's all say it together: if the submissive doesn't have a sense of self preservation, they're not safe to play with. Yup, that's right, that feeling that you're not hardcore enough or that you're not sure if you can do everything I want is exactly what makes you a good, self-aware, safe person to play with. 

I need you to have boundaries and communicate them to me and the first place that starts is from a slow, soft place of comfort and trust. Yup, that's the boring, non glamourous bit that gets edited out of FemDom clips. Whether it's trust in your Dominant's experience level, trust in their empathy, trust in yourself, familiarity within your dynamic or confidence from previous experiences. The truth is that these elements are the necessary soil from which any extreme play grows.

​For example, few people are gold medal Olympic swimmers but that doesn't mean that the rest of us have no right to enter a pool and no claim to enjoyment from the activity. All us non-Olympic level swimmers can enjoy swimming for whatever reason we choose. Perhaps relaxation, maybe exercise, who knows, maybe we even enjoy our amateur swimming more than the gold medalists do! 

Enjoyment is internal and meaning is chosen.

Imagine a group of Olympians intimidating and discouraging amateurs from swimming, it would be ridiculous. The same applies within BDSM and FemDom; you're free to take a dip and reach any "level" of experience or pain tolerance you choose. You don't have to be the best at everything, nor should you want to be!

Most hobbies start from a place of genuine enjoyment and comfort and this is no different. Some of my most amazing experiences have been with novices, people so earnestly bristling with excitement and wonder, they gave me a contact high and experiences that I'll never forget. ​
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TAKEAWAY #4: DITCH THE DUNGEON.

...Or not. Just sayin'.

The ominous Saint Andrew's Cross, the large, vacant slave cage, the CBT chair to match, we all know the vibe, we've all seen it a hundred times by now. Hey, if that's your thing, that's your thing. I've had great times in traditional dungeons but surely we don't all have the exact same fantasies, set in the exact same place, right?

When I started furnishing my play space, I intuitively followed the narrative. I got a nice, chunky pegging bench, a bulky, black bondage bed, and a clunky, mono-use slave box, among other "staples". I also mindlessly started muting my palette because... all black vinyl, always, all the time, 4Ever… I guess?

Well, the bench got covered in plants and a colourful painting of running stallions, the bed got turned into a kinky make-shift easel and holder of candles and the box got tucked away under a colourful scarf and topped with a succulent. Try as I might, I could never achieve the traditional dungeon look or vibe, as it was always far outside of my aesthetic understanding.

The pegging bench would be forgotten as I intuitively bent my submissive over the side of my sectional, driving him slowly into the corner filled with colourful cushions as we moaned together, coating ourselves in sweat. The bondage bench was neglected as I held a man down to my king size bed, slowly tying him to the wooden posts, spread eagle, as I smothered him and giggled with delight, all plans pushed aside in momentary passion.

In time, I slowly gave away my dungeon staples, never fully grasping their purpose beyond the initial psychological intimidation. I helped a friend fill their space and officially said goodbye to the traditional aesthetic altogether. I gave up the idea that someone else's fantasy would always be mine when I gave up the idea that I would be someone else.

I continued collecting plants and coloured glass bottles, kinky, unconventional toys and dual purpose pieces, hidden in plain sight. I kept filling my space with wood and texture, colour and vibrancy, and the decadent, organic power exchanges that had always happened here. In this place, I felt good.

Now I feel like the inside matches the outside and much like the people who meet me with a "Wow! You're so nice!" my space elicits that response too. I love welcoming people to my den, my little slice of heaven. Just like me, it's warm, welcoming, colourful, fun and it holds a secret deviancy inside.

I have a professional alternative that shares many of the same qualities. Entirely forward-thinking and modern, my other space is unique, clean and non-conventional but offers many of the traditional, BDSM furniture staples that many crave. This dungeon is run by a supportive, experienced Pro Domme and it isn’t far from my space, The Wiggle Room, in South Etobicoke.

Ultimately, BDSM and kink should free us from prescribed roles and suffocating expectations, not serve to perpetuate them further and that's the perfect segue to my last and most important takeaway... 
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TAKEAWAY #5: QUIT BEING A COPY KITTEN.

Whether you're a dominant, a submissive or a switch, we all have strange expectations floating around in our heads of what we're supposed to look like, how we're supposed to act and, worst of all, how we're supposed to feel. From the beginning, I always struggled to fill the conventional role of Mean Dominatrix, despite identifying as a lifestyle Domme and a sexual sadist. I convinced myself that I needed the 10 inch heels, the expensive latex pieces, the brooding glare and the high protocol behavior that I had seen online.

When I would inevitably get the "Oh my god, you're so nice!" or "Wow, I can't imagine you being sadistic!", my little ego would buckle and I would launch into self defense. Baby Bastienne didn't like that one bit but current day, Soft Domme Bastienne loves it. Now I respond to those first impressions with a confident smile, stating proudly, "I know, right?"

It makes me happy that I'm a dynamic person, an oddity, a peculiar combination of traits. I don't want to follow the template of another person anymore, I want to be genuine and honest with myself above all else. I want to be a fearless and adventurous leader for those who grant me their submission. I want to lead by example, accepting myself for who I am first, advocating for roles outside of the norm, beyond the tropes - real, human people, being their real, human selves.

In FemDom, everything is fantasy, we get to make it up as we go. We can draw the boundaries anywhere we want, bear the title we choose, adopt the traits we admire, reach into our fantasies and pull them out one by one, experiencing a surge of excitement from each, again and again.

Why would I limit myself here? Why would you?

I'm not going to scare the pants off you - in fact, in my vanilla life, I've never intimidated a soul upon first glance. I'm warm, accommodating and endlessly empathetic, soft spoken and playful. I will make you feel instantly at ease. I'm the person who wants to make you laugh and make sure you have a good time. I'm the person that asks what you were saying when you get cut off by that loud person and the conversation redirects. I'm the person who you can talk to about anything and I'm the person who will think about what we talked about for days after you're gone.

I'm also the person who wants to push you, excite you, make you feel used and delightfully dirty, I am drawn to extremes, thrilled by control and unequivocally turned on by pain. I want to mash our fantasies together in a devious, visceral blast of energy, a glistening high that leaves you with more questions than answers. I am all of those things, all smooshed up into one, silly lady and I expect the same from you.

You are not the gimp in a FemDom clip, you are you: The manager at work, the problem solver at home, the funny guy at the BBQ, the person with anxiety, or the girl from the dog park. You're the person that no one would guess is into BDSM and it's great - I like it.

If my experience in BDSM has taught me anything, it's that shame only exists in silence so I'll say it here, I have tried and failed to be someone else. I am left accepting my confusing combination of traits. I don't fit into a mold and now I know, that's not a shameful thing to be hidden in the dark, it's perhaps my greatest asset and it's probably yours too.

​My job is acceptance in the face of sexual shame. It's to be a safe, skilled, confident leader to those who lay themselves bare. My job is to take the first step and start with myself, let you watch as I create a path for myself, one that is uniquely mine. To stand alone, proud of my oddities, confident in my individuality. By doing this for myself, I hope you see that you can do it too. I am Bastienne Cross, Toronto's Soft Domme, advocate of humans, lover of quiet bravery and promoter of kinky joy.

That's it! That's the story of how I went from Big Scary Domme to Still Kinda Scary Domme but mostly Softy McSofterson Domme and everything I learned in between. I hope this has helped you feel more confidence, or made you think about your role in BDSM in a new way.