My Expectations 2.0
Read time: 5 minutes.
It’s been awhile since I posted this podcast “What I Expect of You in a Session” on my substack in 2021 and the free version available to read here on my blog titled “Tips for Your First FemDom Session.” Definitely read and/or listen to those before reading this post.
When I write posts for my blog, I try to speak directly to the submissives I want while simultaneously icing out those subbies who exhibit bad behaviour. Generally, I try to starve bad subby behaviour of attention but, alas, after years of doing this job, it’s clear that some things need to be directly stated. Common sense is in the eye of the beholder and all that so read that old post from 2020 then read this salty add on. This coincides with my new, stringent booking process that I implemented this past spring that I detail here, “New Booking Process”.
Be forewarned: This is a salty ass post so proceed with that knowledge, but, if you’re a respectful, attentive person, most of this likely (hopefully) doesn’t apply to you. Read through the perils of others below to avoid the same missteps.
#1: TIME MANAGEMENT
This one hasn’t changed. I don’t fuck with people who are chronically late, cancel frequently, can’t plan ahead or are generally flakey. I don’t tolerate it in my personal life and I certainly won’t tolerate it professionally.
Time management and consideration also include any and all forms of time wasting, such as; asking me about things that are easily Googled like BDSM terms or directions, reaching out multiple times without following through, making me repeat myself and not taking the time to carefully read my explicit instructions.
It’s not cute, it’s not a quirk, it’s disrespectful. Doesn’t work for me, move on.
#2: BASIC KNOWLEDGE
Please play the above song while reading this next bit.
If you don’t know any of the following things: Who I am, where I am, MY NAME (including BDSM title or lack thereof), what I offer and particularly my HARD FREAKING LIMITS, then, instead of having a BDSM scene with me, why don’t you play the above video to yourself in perpetuity whilst staring out a damn, dusty, old farmhouse window by yourself.
Seriously though, do your research before reaching out to me, or any provider. I have hundreds of hours of listening and reading materials to peruse, a website full of information and hours and hours of video evidence of my style being demonstrated in publicly available, perfectly watchable clips. If you choose to reach out simply because of the pictures on my website, I will quickly sniff your lazy ass out. You shall not pass GO, you shall remain strictly on the internet.
My time and energy is precious so proceed with that understanding. I have the quickest block finger in the east. I’ll happily add you to my block list of almost 400 people and you can live out your days in my spam folder if you don’t quickly demonstrate that you’re respectful and possess some common sense.
Once that trust is established - I’ll be a freaking sweetie pie to you.
#3: Hard Limits
Let’s say it all together, just for fun - if you don’t know my hard limits, I simply won’t play with you.
#4. ETCH-A-SKETCH YOUR BRAIN (DURING PLAY)
One of the most difficult parts of my job is remaining open to each new person. It’s simultaneously anxiety inducing and the reason that I love my job. I’m forced to etch-a-stretch my brain for each and every person, each and every time we play. That is very difficult and that’s why I’m very picky about who I play with. Our minds intuitively seek a pattern, a predictable outcome but, we’ve still got to remain open.
It’s like, monk + dildo = me.
My point is, I’m doing a lot of work to stay open, learn about each, individual person, memorize their preferences and limits while leaving room for change and growth. If you can’t reciprocate to some degree, I won’t play with you.
This refers to people who call me Mistress despite me explicitly telling them to call me Bastienne. People asking for latex and leather despite me being one of the only Dommes who doesn’t offer that, folks expecting strict, high protocol behaviour at the snap of their fingers, as if all Dommes are borne of some hellfire academy of highly trained fembots, solely created to embody your internalized, misogynistic, surgically specific idea of what a powerful woman should be. If I have to explain to you, at any point, that I’m a sentient person who chooses my own outfits and forms my own sentences, that’s a wrap on you, bud.
But, I digress.
The point is, all these images are tropes. They are stereotypes. They are ideas gleaned from the most vapid glance at FemDom and I find it diminutive and dehumanizing. FemDom is one of the greatest loves of my life, I have found immense freedom here. Don’t use it against me to shove me into a tiny, objectifying pigeon hole. I don’t do that to the folks I play with so don’t do it to me. Read the links I send and the instructions I have meticulously crafted. As pro wrestler (and super smart guy) Rob Van Dam once said, assumptions make an ass of u & me. Take the time to get to know and accept me for exactly who I am and I’ll do the same in return.
#5. ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES
Real BDSM is messy and unpredictable. As a Domme, it’s my job to account for as many variables as I can but, unfortunately, at this time, I’m not an actual wizard :( In BDSM, if you’re fully immersing, you may end up feeling a spectrum of emotions, not just the nice ones. Rejection, boredom, disappointment, and more! Be forewarned - they live here too. Vanquish the idea that you will only feel submission and that all other feelings are a failure of mine or yours. This expectation is a recipe for disappointment.
The beauty of BDSM is the spectrum. It is analogous to life. It’s a safe place to practice feeling these feelings. This is what makes it a beautiful and cathartic practice, not something to be excised.
There is a LOT of experimentation and course correction that happens in these scenes and all of these experiences are ethereal. Even if you find something that works today, it might not work tomorrow. The process forces you to be in the moment and it encourages self reflection so get ready to roll up your thinky sleeves.
This means emotionally and, sometimes, physically you will feel things that are unpleasant. Not painful, not traumatizing, not frightening but… unpleasant. Bondage is uncomfortable sometimes, a hood might itch you a bit, you might have an internal battle with feelings of annoyance or anxiety deciding if you should use your safeword. It’s all part of the process and it’s important to know that going in.
Submission is given. It is either a natural disposition you already have, or, like the majority of folks who see me, it’s something you have to put effort into developing. A lot of people interpret this process as some type of failure on their part, on my part or on the scene itself. It’s not a failure, it’s part of the process you’re learning - the very difficult and counterintuitive task of giving up control. It’s a tough thing to accomplish so proceed with patience and compassion.
Thank you for reading and be sure to read my original, significantly less salty, version of this instructional from 2020 available here :)
