What Kind of Submissive Are You?
Read time: 9 minutes.
I did a little research before writing this post and I immediately noticed a theme. In BDSM, it seems we’ve each got a few dozen titles to choose from. Sometimes those labels are helpful, but, I often find them to be nothing more than a launching point if not a total hindrance. Each title conjures up such wildly different fantasies for each person, so, for this post, I’ve decided to approach this subject from a different perspective. I’m going to let you peek into my mind and I’m going to explain how I assess each person I see and how that informs how I play with them.
Everything in sexuality starts in the brain and I believe this is magnified in BDSM and kink. I’ll illustrate it this way; we all start our BDSM journey in an escape room. The room symbolizes our identity in relation to others. We each know what is expected of us in the real world and how we are perceived. At some point it’s only natural to want an escape, a departure from our real life identity even if it’s only temporary.
In the same way that we love to binge watch a good show when we get off work, play a video game, watch sports or take a trip somewhere new. The escape from our identity begins in a fantasy, indulging in a new type of porn, being surprisingly into someone or something you’ve never considered before or having new fantasies that involve you taking on an unusual role. This is how the escape begins for all of us and my job is watch to and learn the different routes it takes.
When I meet new subbies, ultimately, I want to know what their intention is. Beyond identifying as a submissive, a princess, a slave or whatever - I want to know what is motivating them, why they have chosen that label. I glean this from the forms I get people to fill out prior to sessions, from asking them questions and from playing with them in person. Once I know a person’s motivation, I can start determining my role in relation to theirs. Sometimes it aligns, sometimes it doesn’t.
You guys know I don’t like copy kittens and I certainly don’t want to be one so, I try to give credit where credit is due and I try to be as original as I can in my work. Instead of copy and pasting the usual submissive monikers and posting them here, I’ll just link to the well written posts I’ve found that have already done a great job detailing this subject:
“18 Types of Submissives” by Bad Girl’s Bible
“10 Different Types of Submission” by Loving BDSM
“BDSM Submissives: 16 Types of Subs” by Jamie at KinkLovers.com
“8 Types of Submission in BDSM” by Anoeses.com
Now I’ll build off the basics that they’ve outlined. Here’s the main types of submissives that have titles in the BDSM community: brat, service sub, princess, bottom, masochist, smart ass masochist (SAM), model sub, slave, pet, domestic discipline bottom, finsub, rope bunny, competitive sub, submissive in training, forced submission, little, internet submissive, cuck, domestic servitude sub, pain slut, sissy and switch.
If you’re new to BDSM, definitely research those terms, take a peek at those websites listed above and do some googling of your own. You can also check out my BDSM for Beginners page which has more useful links listed. That information will certainly provide a good foundation of understanding basic BDSM terms, how you identify and what you’re looking for. Like I said previously, I’d like to look at those titles, expand upon them and fit them into my own view. I’d like to explore these identities more in terms of motivation versus presentation.
The Lone Wolf
Fantasizing about power exchange is a lot easier than actually acting it out in real life. It’s also a lot safer. Lone wolf submissives are people who have rich imaginations and fantasies they revisit and build upon often over years and decades of their lives. They don’t necessarily need or want actual interaction or collaboration from others, their inner world is rich and they enjoy the control they hold there, even if it’s, paradoxically, about them giving up control. For them, this is a perfect form of escape.
They may occasionally ask others to participate but it’s less about collaboration and more about sharing, like, from a director’s perspective. They are the author and creator of this world and you are reading their words or witnessing their creation. It’s more like sharing than it is exchanging power.
They may occasionally seek online sessions or share fantasies online via forums or messages. They seek company and validation but not necessarily input. People who identify as fetishists, online submissives, model subs, power bottoms or rope bunnies might fall into this category. They have a precise idea of who they are, what they want and what they want to present and, as a dominant or play partner of theirs, you have to be willing and able to relinquish almost all creative control and view the interaction as almost a form of service topping. You must enjoy being able to relax, sit back, listen and enjoy the process of indulging in this person’s inner world and their fantasies with minimal to zero creative input.
The Fighter
The struggle bus just arrived and you’ve got a wet spot in your panties about it.
The motivation behind this type of submission is an eroticization of tension and conflict. For most people in the real world, fighting (in any form) is avoided at all costs. Fighting is viewed as wholly negative so, it’s not surprising that many people end up subconsciously eroticizing the tension of conflict. It seems to be the most literal manifestation of a power exchange fantasy.
Whether the fantasy involves being physically forced to do something, fighting and being overtaken, fighting and sometimes winning, being tied up and rendered helpless - the list goes on and on but the plot always involves real tension, whether it be psychological or physical. Brats, consensual non-consent subs, people interested in atonement, discipline, forced play and smart ass masochists would fall into this category.
Side note: I respect everyone’s kink style but, just for clarity, I generally don’t play well with these types of subbies. I’m a basic bitch who just likes my submissives acting submissive right out the gate but that’s just me. No shade, just preference.
The Explorer
Ah yes, the “everything but the kitchen sink” submissive. These folks are curious and open minded. They are ravenous and, perhaps, a little hedonistic. They are often ambitious, confident and just enjoy collecting new experiences throughout all the different realms of life including sexuality. I’d say, these are the rarest type of people I come across. I usually figure out I’ve got an explorer on my hands when they are joking around with me during play and they tend to react similarly to lots of different types of play and stimulation.
They have often distilled the submissive experience down to its essence and live by the motto “it’s up to you!” Many of these subs have learned to subvert their pleasure for mine so if I like it, by proxy, they like it. This requires some introspection and practice.
Although, I love playing with these folks, and from what I’ve described above it may sound like they are ideal play partners, I find myself often craving more direction. These are the gypsies of kink, the dreamy artists that never seem to settle into one spot. If I can get these folks into something I really like such as ballbusting or golden training, then I really start having fun with them. Their open mindedness makes them both fun to play with but also makes it difficult to get really deep into one particular thing, it’s more buffet style play which can quickly end once you’ve checked off a few dozen experiences.
Like any trait or attribute, this level of openmindedness has its pros and cons. As a very novelty motivated and openminded person myself I often find that I drift away from these folks over time because we’re both so ‘go with the flow’ no-one is really anchoring the play down long enough to get into the nitty gritty of any one, particular kink. A lot more effort goes into creating structure for these scenes on my end.
The Golden Child
Ah yes, hello golden children! My little, kindred spirits. I feel deep comradery with these folks alongside a sense of resignation knowing that the perfection they seek will never come, especially not through professional domination. I will be the bearer of that message. I’m always grateful when I scoop one of these babies up because I know they’re safe with me. These folks are ripe for getting used and abused and I trust myself to keep them out of their own way and to redirect their attention away from pleasing me and back into their experiences and how they process them.
These subs are Type A personalities, people pleasers, good boy and girl types who often secretly want to be my favourite. They are the teacher’s pet, subconsciously competing with my other subs, contorting themselves physically and psychologically in the futile pursuit of perfection. Submission offers a seemingly safe space to pour their desire into, to finally excel at their insatiable desire for approval, they seek amnesty from rejection, a place where self abuse is rewarded.
I know this because I suffer from the same affliction and I know where the road ends. So, I gently hold the hand of each of my fellow perfectionists as we walk slowly to that terribly enlightening and inevitable conclusion: You’re not perfect, you’re not my favourite and you’re not the best and, even if you were, I wouldn’t tell you because that’s not why we’re here. This is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way through this work and it’s both disappointing and exceptionally liberating.
Those who journey down this path are particularly vulnerable in BDSM. I love redirecting these folks away from their fixation on me and my approval and back to the real purpose of BDSM, in my opinion: It’s a practice in self reflection and self acceptance. You learn to borrow from others until you can stand confidently on your own. You learn autonomy, independence, confidence and self love. A very counterintuitive lesson indeed.
Golden children are the ones who memorize my preferences, conform to my proclivities and deeply yearn for my favour. They are also the most likely to dump me. Once I know what this person is doing, it then becomes my job to withhold. Not in an abusive or manipulative way but in the same way that you would hide a junkie’s pills. I redirect as much as I can but, it’s always a 50/50 chance I get dropped at this stage and I totally get it. It’s like signing up for a cooking class and ultimately learning how to change your car’s oil. It takes a certain type of person to adjust to this level of redirection.
Folks that may fall into this category include; worshippers, service subs, pets, domestic discipline bottoms, competitive subs, 24/7 subs and I’m sure there’s many more. These folks have provided me with the broadest array of experiences, including some of the most painful rejections I’ve experienced in pro domination alongside a few first row seats to the most beautiful and meaningful transformations.
The issue is, I don’t view my job as a Domme as a means to make you fall in love with me, I view it as an opportunity for you to fall in love with yourself. I’ve learned over time, that despite my own, futile pursuit of perfection as a Domme, this approach is among many of my traits that are entirely unsatisfactory to some. I am left with the solitary conclusion I share with my fellow golden children - I am forced to let go of the idea of perfection and accept who I actually am and what I actually offer along with the rejection that accompanies it. In the face of rejection, I’ve learned to accept myself and I love helping others do the same.
The Simplifier
This encompasses the vast majority of kinks and the people who pursue them in the submissive role. It includes: filth kinks, objectification, masochism, pain sluts, slaves, sissies, toys, littles, cucks, finsubs, domestic servitude - to name a few. Wanting the world to be simple and your role in it to be small, purposeful and straight forward is the most human desire I can think of. It makes perfect sense to me.
Life is absurdly complex, wanting someone to take control and make it simple is the intention behind the vast majority of kinks, in my estimation. This manifests in so many interesting ways but boils down to the same escape route - simplicity. Whether it’s becoming a toilet, a sex slave, a fart cushion, a whipping boy, a punching bag, a maid or a pet, each role is basically mono purpose and beautifully functional.
It’s simultaneously a form of displacement and meditation. Whether it’s negative or positive depends on the person and the situation but I find it entirely understandable and I experience a level of meditation during sessions in a similar way. My entire goal during my play time is to micromanage the shit out of this other person. Every one of their eye movements, words, the placement of their limbs, their little noises, reactions, lack thereof and so on become my entire world. The experience eclipses real life temporarily and it’s very satisfying, I get it.
So, do you identify with any of these intentions? Do you see yourself in one of these categories? It’s truly fascinating stuff. I hope this blog post has been helpful and if you’re interested in more kinky thinky, check out my podcast, The Trust & Thrust Podcast on substack and this full list of links here. Hopefully you find more insights in those links, thanks so much for reading. Stay kinky until I post again here next month ;) xo
